Dear EFAP
Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modelled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.
We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.
Below are our responses to the next three selections – enjoy!
I am the low person on the totem pole at work and I am not sure why, but that makes it my responsibility to clean crumbs off the workplace kitchen counter area and empty the dishwasher. When I get in in the a.m. there are at least 4 people in before me who could empty the dishwasher and clean the counter. I am not sure why they do not. I think that they think it is below them. Interestingly, some of these people are those who generate the most dishes. We have had discussions at meetings about how everyone should pitch in and help out and all of that kumbaya stuff – and in those moments everyone agrees, but when push comes to shove, it is still me emptying the dishes when I come in and cleaning the crumbs from whatever errant muffin was just eaten. I did not want to go to battle on this…but I also did not go to school for this. What should I do?
– Wishing for Kumbaya in the Kitchen
Dear Wishing for Kumbaya in the Kitchen
Every workplace kitchen, I wager, has these issues. Going to battle is not what will solve it but continuing to do it while building more resentment is also not the answer. It sounds like in the kumbaya moments of a team meeting everyone is on board to do their share, so in one of those moments ask for a group decision on what to do if/when the assistance dries up and then whatever that is – abide by it. If an offer comes back from these ignoring nellies (or normans) to “help when they can,” take heed. This suggests that they still see you as responsible for the task. If you truly want to resign from this role then you must also be prepared to give it up. Your colleagues stop pitching in because they know you will continue to do it yourself. This enabling behaviour, although it keeps a clean kitchen, is letting them off the hook and making you feel taken advantage of and miserable. So, next time you think to clean up that crumb or put away that dish when it is not your turn – stop, resist! This likely will not make the kitchen cleaner immediately but it will, in the long run, because the responsibility will shift from you having to begrudgingly do everything to the group all taking part in pitching in. You will then have kumbaya in the kitchen.
My marriage of many years recently blew up. My wife constantly yelled at me and put me down, so I decided enough was enough and ended things. After a number of sessions with my therapist I am now dating again but for some reason I’m still attracting the same demon profile. I really want to shift to a healthier mate choice. Help!!
– Demon Dater
Dear Demon Dater,
It sounds like your nuptial explosion was a good thing and far overdue. Congrats on being able to have the courage to take a stand and leave. Being attracted to the same type is surprisingly common – we often can be attracted to that which we find familiar, not that which is necessarily healthy for us. Clearly you are gravitating toward what you know, not what you might like. It’s time to ditch the Linda Blair-esque babes and move towards someone who loves and appreciates you. To do this, you have to identify and then unlearn the behaviours that are drawing you to these malevolent mates. Your therapist can help you with this, so keep going to those sessions; you are on the right path. And as for right now – if you have a scheduled date with one of these maladjusted Mamas, you may just want to cancel it.
So….I love shoes. I like high ones, low ones, funky ones, edgy ones – you name it I have them and I love them. I buy a new pair with every pay cheque. Some people buy martinis on pay day – I buy shoes. They are really cute and they cover the $$ spectrum from the $40 Shoe Mint option to, well, the Jimmy Choo / Manolo side of the closet (I do arrange them in order of their net worth). Money is tight for me, but I don’t care and boy do I look great. Recently, I went out on a date (in a pair of Louboutins – to die for!) and when it came to pay I had no cash or credit because I just figured that he would pay. I explained that my money had gone to my gorgeous footwear. Well, he looked a little horrified when I told him why I was lacking in the $$ for my share of the bill. I was mad and embarrassed, and in spite of the ugly shoes he had on I did think him cute…. but he hasn’t called. What should I do?
– Help in High Heels
Dear Help in High Heels,
Don’t wait by the phone – even if it is in those Louboutins. He likely won’t call. In one fell swoop he learned that you have a shoe obsession that is bankrupting you and that is way too much information for any first date. It sounds like you are living a “well heeled” life that you really cannot afford. In addition to that, while the dating rules are always in flux (sometimes the male pays, sometimes the female pays), I think it is fair to say it is always wise to at least have brought enough cash or credit with you so that you are able to pay your share of the bill. I am pretty sure they don’t give credit with high heels as collateral so you need to rethink your strategy in life and start caring. Perhaps park the purchasing pour votre pieds and pay off some bills. If you really found this guy cute you could give him a call – offer to make up for that night by paying for the whole shot, and let him know that your finances and your priorities are now more in order (better received if they truly are). Don’t put your hopes on a “yes” though, he may have kicked up his heels, however bad they were, and taken his good looks elsewhere – and so this change might have to take place for the next date.
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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.