Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses.  Our “pithy” answers are modelled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information.  Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below are our responses to the next two selections – enjoy!

I have this neighbour who I just can’t stand.  It isn’t so much him that I can’t stand; it’s his laugh that drives me absolutely bonkers.  We live in an apartment building – I rent, he owns – so the only thing that separates me from his annoying laugh is a thin wall.  He doesn’t work and seems to always be home cackling away at the top of his lungs, probably watching some soap opera or reality TV show.  I’ve talked to other neighbours about him but no one else seems to share the same annoyance.  I’ve tried living with earplugs in but this makes watching TV impossible, and I always miss calls from friends because I can’t hear my phone ring.  I want him to be evicted but he owns the place. I don’t know what to do!

–  Annoyed in my Apartment

Dear Annoyed in my Apartment,

Move.

I moved to Vancouver about seven years ago to work in my dream job and am currently single and living on my own.  About three years ago my mom moved to be closer to me after dad passed away.  I have no siblings and now that my mom is getting older and more reliant on me, I’m finding it difficult to adjust to the demands of work and caring for an aging parent – there doesn’t seem to be much time left for myself.  Don’t get me wrong, I love her dearly and am happy to help!  I don’t feel the need to have counselling per se, but wonder about resources that I might be unaware of to help my mom and I as she becomes less self-reliant.  Any suggestions?

–  Parenting a Parent,

Dear Parenting a Parent,

So the airlines tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your child. In this case it is reversed, and it is high time for the mask to go on you – the child – before it goes on mom. It sounds like you are a caring daughter and that mom is lucky to have you in her court. Have you tried sharing this feeling of pressure from overreliance on you and loss of personal time with your mom? She may be very open to looking at making some changes and then the guilt will be lifted and you can jointly collaborate on a plan.  An easily arranged and brief tele-session with an Eldercare Coach could help you frame that conversation and look at what boundaries you really want to set (or reset) with her (consider Eldercare Coaching service offered through www.efap.ca).  The plan would likely include things for both of you to change and activities for you both to get involved in.

For mom: Since dad’s death she may have shifted her reliance on him for companionship and support, to looking at you now to fulfil this role.  Even though it has been 3 years she may still be grieving, and so meeting and being with people who understand her situation might be the answer. The toll-free BC Bereavement Help Line (1-877-779-2223) can provide information on over 250 grief support groups in BC, one of which might be appropriate for your mom.  On the other hand, she may just want companionship and could be willing to join a senior’s center or volunteer program – to do this she may need an oh-so-gentle nudge from her offspring.  If she is feeling like the “skip” is not quite out of her step yet, then she might also want to try online dating.  There is a significant groovy granny set that are meeting in this way.  She may need a little technical help to create a profile, but once she’s set up be prepared to sit back and watch her schedule fill up!

For you:  Remember, it’s important to take time for yourself, regardless of how much your mom relies on you.  Think back to a time when she wasn’t living here — what were you doing that you have given up and how might you let that back into your life or take steps to include new adventures?  I imagine that your mom loves you as much as you love her and she would want to know that you are happy she moved to be closer to you, and unhappy to know that you are sacrificing healthy “you time” for not so healthy “her time.”  Remember, you can’t take care of your Mom if you haven’t been taking care of yourself.  So – time to recalibrate and introduce a few boundaries, a little balance, and maybe even a few blokes for both of you babes!

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.