Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses.  Our “pithy” answers are modelled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information.  Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below are our responses to the next two selections – enjoy!

It has come to my attention that people generally work out their childhood issues with the people they work with.  For example, my coworker had a twin that she was always competing with.  Now I find that she is running to our superiors with stories about me to keep them in her court.  She also does this with me regarding the other coworkers.  Now that I can see what she is doing with her triangulation games, how do I address it? Remind her that I am not her twin?

–  How to Address the Triangulation?

Dear How to Address the Triangulation?,

Certainly some people can work out childhood issues in adult life, and so this can be in the workplace as well as in a myriad of other places. It is impossible for you to know, though, that this is indeed your coworker’s trigger. It may be the twin issue, but it also might be something else and so forming an assumption without all of the facts is perhaps not the best route to go. It is similar to applying medication to an incorrect, or at the very least, incomplete diagnosis – it likely won’t work or could even cause some harm. So, it is probably wise to suspend the diagnostics of what it might be and instead work with what you know, what you see, and what you feel.

It sounds like you are experiencing demonstrations of competitive behaviour from her and story-telling about you and others in order to gain allegiance, consequently leaving you feeling ‘traingled’ by these actions. The best way to deal with a triangle is to step out of it – then it becomes a direct line and much easier to handle.  As these described behaviours are causing you difficulty, it is best to deal with them rather than trying to tackle their origin.  Requesting a discussion with your coworker that has the clear mission of improving your working relationship can set a nice tone as it indicates that the goal of such a chat would be both to communicate and improve things between the two of you. Approaching her in a non-competitive way will also model the behaviour that you would like to see.  Respectfully outlining your experience of her behaviours and their impact on you can create the beginnings of a platform for change.  She may not be used to being approached in this genuine way, and so she may be a bit wary at first, but if you hold firm and are not reactive the chances for it to go well are high.

When people engage in acts that speak to wanting people to like and support them it can often  be a from a place of insecurity. And so, what you have thought of as issues of competition may be something very different and you cannot know what they might be. She also may not be aware of just how her acts are affecting you. Letting your supervisor know that you are experiencing this from her (as they may not be aware) and that you have a plan to discuss the matter with her directly could further support you and help to remove opportunities for triangulation.

Additionally, when your colleague speaks about others to you, you can decline the invitation to engage in listening to the story. You can let her know that whatever she has said is not your experience of that person and if she has an issue with them to speak with them directly about it. This again steps you out of that triangle and creates the direct line of communication. This will show her that you have taken a stance to no longer perpetuate this story-telling behavior and will be a strong step in stopping it.  If this sounds a bit daunting to try, please know that support is available (consider Emotional Coaching at www.efap.ca).  And so, to your question – reminding her not that you are the triggering Mary-Kate to her Ashley, but instead her collaborative coworker who wants to jointly work together from a place of direct communication and collaboration (not competition), might have a greater chance of tearing down the triangles and creating both a healthier work relationship and environment.

I got married a bit later in life. It took me awhile to find the woman of my dreams. I have found her and she is great. Being an older parent is wonderful. I feel I have the patience that I did not have when I was younger. Maybe I don’t have quite as much energy, but that’s ok, TV and iPads are great instruments of diversion. These electronic devices actually facilitate our weekend couple time.  When my wife and I relax and have a glass of wine together after a family filled day these electronic babysitters slide in, soothe and entertain our very, very busy young ones, and peace remains.  We are both busy senior level professionals and life is always a balancing act. As we often have to work longer hours, or there is something to read or do for work outside of work to prepare for a meeting, or the boss is calling on the Blackberry, we sometimes need more than our regular daycare. When this happens we reach out to my Mom. She is a senior but she is spry! Think a gray haired Ever-Ready-Bunny in sensible shoes. Add to this the fact that my Mom was married to another person before my Dad and had a child who is older than me (my half-sister).  This half-sister is now deceased, and her older adult daughter is a sole parent who struggles with mental illness and has some trouble managing her own kids full-time, and so my Mom helps out and watches them.  We take the ‘Brady Bunch’ to a whole new level.

During one of her childcare-watching sessions, mom over-exerted and fell. She ended up with a broken hip. The system has been pretty darn good at helping us out but I am completely exhausted and have no clue of services available really. The injury is also very bad and it may mean that my independent mom will have to face moving to a care home.  I love my mom so much and I don’t know where to begin on how to tell her that and completely dread that conversation.  So, my wife and I have to now take care of ourselves, our children, and my mom – which  makes us the sandwich generation – but we now have the added care layer of mom’s great-grandkids, and so I am feeling overwhelmed and more like the club sandwich generation.  I don’t even have enough time to go to a professional to ask for help and so I am writing to you here hoping that you may be able to shed some helpful light on my situation.

–  Club Sandwiched

Dear Club Sandwiched,

“Club Sandwiched” is a new moniker that we are seeing more often, so please know that you are not alone in this interesting description of life described as a lunch option. Medical techniques allow for us to live longer, we are seeing seniors as childcare providers to more and more generations and in turn those generations each take on more on the care continuum. Not to worry, although club sandwiches are tricky to eat, with a strategy they are delicious!

So, it looks like you have at least 4 areas to tackle: taking care of yourself, taking care of your kids and your mom’s great-grandkids, and taking care of your mom.  In the mayhem of child care provision it is essential to take care of yourself along the way or you won’t have any energy left for anything or anyone else. These times often need to be pre-arranged; otherwise family time can easily overtake them.  Making an actual schedule that includes time together as a couple and restorative time for yourself can be helpful. I find that if professionals book some “me time” into their smart phones it can make it real and more likely to happen.

Programs at work can also offer support for dealing with stress and building resiliency to help navigate a busy life (consider the “Taking Care of me Series” offered through www.efap.ca or call 1-800-505-4929 for more info). Taking care of your kids, and then your mom’s great-grandkids on top of that, is indeed another challenge.  You sound like a great dad, but even Ward Cleaver, back in the day, or Modern Family’s Phil, Jay, Cameron or Mitchell, all have their challenges and need to sometimes consult.  It is always great to be able sit with you partner to develop the family strategy, but if the two of you are stuck on next steps, consider consulting with a Parent Coach who may just be able to drop a few pearls of wisdom into the mix to ease some of the strain that you are speaking of (Parent Coaching is offered at www.efap.ca).

Taking care of your mom is the last, but certainly not the least, step in tackling this situation. This is the first time that you have wandered down the path of how best to take care of and support an injured senior who may have to face a significant life change. EFAP now offers Eldercare Coaching, born out the Baby Boomers’ need to assist their aging parents.  An Eldercare Coach could help you find the best resources for your mom and, if needed, also help you craft the best way for you to have the most effective and sensitive “transition to a Care Home” conversation (Eldercare Coaching www.efap.ca).

An added bonus is that all of these mentioned supports can be offered telephonically, which allows you to get help free of charge without having to deal with travel time and parking.  Remember, gobbling down a club sandwich leaves one with indigestion; instead, disassembling it layer by layer and examining each one, then taking small, calculated, smaller bites will allow for you to carefully and successfully move forward to manage this new role and enjoy the sandwich! It sounds like your Mom did a great job in being there for you growing up, and in turn is lucky to have you there for her now.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.