Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below are our responses to the next two selections – enjoy!

 
I live in Vancouver and there are lots of trees in my backyard and they are in need of their annual fall haircut. It’s good for them and it allows me to recapture my gorgeous view, as each year the trees grow from Spring to Fall, sometimes 4-8 feet, so they can inch up and all of a sudden I cannot see the water any longer. With a quick trim the trees are happy and I too am happy as I can again see the view in a wonderfully unobstructed way. But my next door neighbour lives on her own in a bit of a rundown house and does not take care of her trees. She has a straggly looking tree that has grown over the years and it’s finally in the way of my beautiful vista. My neighbour is rather grumpy – think of those monsters on the Coast Capital Savings commercials before they get the help they need – and she can see all the growth from her bedroom window but does nothing about it. I don’t want to go all tree-killer on her and end up charged or in jail like that person in English Bay who poisoned the tree obstructing their view, but what am I to do?
– Tree Traumatized

Dear Tree Traumatized,
Well, with real estate in Vancouver being as high as it is, I would think maybe the first thing to do is sit down and take a moment to be proud of yourself that you own a home in a neighbourhood that allows you the luxury of being upset by some branches blocking out a full view. Few people are lucky enough to have this problem to complain about – just saying.

But, you have asked what you are to do, so let’s get to that. I would imagine that if, as you say, she’s a next door neighbour then whatever growing that your trees do, and trimming that you do, will also affect her view. Grumpy as she is, she may actually be very happy to have the tree shaved. But, tree trimming is not an inexpensive undertaking. You mentioned that she was on her own in a somewhat rundown house. It may be that she is not able to afford to have her trees cut and not at all that she is purposefully trying to obstruct your visuals. Have you considered going over there when you know she is at home? Let her know that you are planning to trim again, and perhaps mention that with that trim both you and she will have some substantial reclaimed view. Ask her if she would be willing to let your trimmer top the tree on her property and offer to pay for it. And, to really seal the deal, offer to let her supervise the cutting of it to ensure that she is happy with the result. Suggest a glass of wine/cup of tea at your place after it is done to admire the newly reclaimed view and I would wager that you will not have any tree issues with her going forward.

I’m divorced and I love Christmas, but let me tell you, divorce and Christmas do not go well together! It’s a sea of “two everythings” – two turkeys, two times out for the traditional skate with old friends, two trips to see the lights at Van Dusen Gardens, two times etc. And, as we are on the “two” theme, I’m in this unfortunate place because my ex was two-timing me. On top of all this, I was also a child of divorce and I know how hard it is on kids to keep their parents happy over the holidays, even despite Michael Bubble’s Christmas carol crooning.

I’m melting down because although I just put the Halloween costumes away, I swear, Christmas is just around the corner. This year my ex has the kids on Christmas morning and I am apoplectic about it. How can I miss seeing them run down the stairs and plunge into their stockings all bug-eyed and happy to delve into what Santa has brought? I will see them later that day at 5:00 for Christmas dinner – and my family is all coming too so it is not a total wash – but I am very upset. I want to take him to court about it and argue that I should be able to have them with me, after all it was he who chose to step out on our marriage and I am the one being punished by not seeing my kids Christmas morning. I still have enough time to get in an emergency hearing, I am torn though – help!
– Melting Down Christmas Morning Mom

Dear Melting Down Christmas Morning Mom,
I feel your pain, Mom, it is coming through loud and clear. I can also see that maybe the divorced child in you is reacting and I get that. I am going to suggest to you that it may be time to find your inner wise Mom, because I think she has temporarily and understandably, in light of what you went through as a child and a spouse, left the building – and we need to get her back. It may be that Christmas is a bit of a trigger for you, but good news – you still have time to explore that and find a way to manage it before Rudolph lights up the night skies. Whatever you decide to do it’s important to remember that the kids will pick up on it. If it’s possible, try to get some support through this time so that they don’t have to experience your “Grinchness,” which sounds like a bit of a hangover of hurt from a cheating spouse mixed with difficult feelings associated with parents who may have allowed their issues to overshadow your childhood Christmases (consider www.efap.ca). I think that if you really think about your kids then you may rethink an expensive trip to court and instead put that money into some skookum gifts for the children or a special Christmas adventure with them. I think that this might be a better investment than a motion to the judge asking that you have Christmas morning this year because he had an affair. We are no longer in the 1950s and, however unfair it is, the court now stays out of the bedrooms of the nation. So, unless the kids are in danger or your ex is behind on their childcare payments, it is likely the judge will dismiss your request.

Is it fair that your marital breakdown and his choices have usurped your Christmas morning? No, indeed that is not fair, but it sounds like that is what your agreement stipulates. Perhaps, if you can stomach it and he is okay with it, you could ask to join them just for stockings and presents. If you point out that the kids might like to have both Mom and Dad there he may consider it. He may not though, and if this is the case then you need a Christmas morning plan to either have someone with you, go to church, go skiing or go for a long walk – something that might give you some comfort. The good news is that you will have something wonderful to look forward to on Christmas afternoon, so don’t lose sight of that. You mention that you are having dinner with the family, so maybe invite some of them over before to help you prepare dinner and ready things for the kids. And, because this is a new Christmas experience for you, it gives you the change to create new rituals. Who’s to say that when your kids are dropped off at 5:00 you couldn’t have them open their Christmas stockings? Stockings don’t have to just be in the morning – it’s now up to you and your kids to come up with new rituals, maybe even ask them how they want to make the time at your home special. If they are very young and you are still in the “I believe in Santa years,” let them know there is no need to worry, the stockings and gifts at Mom’s house will be there when they arrive. Perhaps these rituals are not the ones that you thought that you would do, but with some creativity you could introduce a series of “two” events and other special rituals that are all about you and your kids. The fact that you care so much tells me that they are very lucky to have you – Merry Christmas, Mom!

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.