Dear EFAP
Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.
We want your questions
We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.
Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!
I don’t like my co-worker and I really cannot figure out why. Maybe it’s because she parades around the office with an-oh-so-subtle “look at my designer clothes and bags” swagger, or maybe it’s because she arrives in her big ticket but small-sized snazzy sports car that she clearly did not pay for. Maybe it’s because it’s coming up to the end of the month and I am scrounging for rent and she is oblivious to any kind of end-of-month-money-trauma and she is instead breezily thumbing through travel mags deciding on where her next funded trip will be while drinking some way over-priced bacteria based organic juice concoction that she swears keeps her skin gorgeous – and it’s actually gorgeous, which bugs me even more! Or maybe it’s because her credit card is not paid for her by her but her purchases are made by her. Life just seems way too easy for her, and here I sit like some pathetic sad Sam (well, Samantha) wishing I were her. It bugs me that I feel this way, help me get out of this – please!
– Envying the Entitled
Dear Envying the Entitled,
To want what others have is envy. It is one of the seven deadly sins and it is exhausting. At its very foundation, envy is about feeling badly because someone has achieved a higher stature in something than you, and you don’t like that one bit. It can involve wanting something that someone has, desiring others’ objects of stature, or simply feeling inferior to the person in question. Frankly, it has to do with feelings of lowered self-esteem and dissatisfaction with your own self-image. Envy is also related to shame, and while we could write another Dear EFAP column entirely on shame, it will suffice to say that envy makes you feel bad about yourself and that is the base of shame. Layer on the desire to want to be what others are, or want what others have, and voila – you have envy.
There is a kind of misplaced belief that goes along with envy that suggests that if you did have what the envied have that you would be happy. It’s a bit like gloating, but gloating is more related to feeling good when someone else does badly, and envy is related to feeling bad when someone does well. It is similar to jealously, but jealousy is related to fearing you could lose something, whereas envy is related to wanting what you never had.
How to cope? Well, wishing the best for this overindulged individual and really asking yourself, “Do I really need that Prada bag? Or, must I have that little the hint of red on the soles of those Louboutins?” might be your best and wisest route, but I get that as she actually has all of the “best” (and who does not lust after Prada, I mean really?) this might be a hard Dear EFAP pill to swallow.
So, what to do? You know, it’s not a good behavioural choice to let envy become destructive. As an alternative, one can flip it around and let it become instructive. How, you ask? Well, if you envy that car, those stilettos, or the large amount of funded credit that your envied employee flashes, it may be because these things represent goals that you would like to achieve. When you experience that pang of “Man, I want that” ask yourself what might be triggering your envy gene. This might tell you that your goals may need to be re-examined, and in revising them you might be able to better align with who you truly are and what you truly want. Looking at it this way, then the very person who is causing you crises may well be the very person who has ushered in this opportunity to re-examine yourself – and who knows, you two could even become pals.
When you re-examine yourself you might want to check out Leland Beaumont’s work on emotional competency*. It might help you begin to understand just what is triggering your envy. Similarly, talking with a trusted counsellor can also help you to really look at where you are now in your journey. Are shame, anger, and/or jealousy sniffing around? If so, seek it out and remove it because, like anything that smells bad, it is a sign of something rancid. Really ask yourself, and you may need some help on this one (consider www.efap.ca), “If I really had whatever ‘it’ is, would it truly increase my stature?” You see, as Mr. Beaumont says, true stature is earned, not acquired. Reappraise the situation and recognize that you truly don’t need what they have. Give it a try – it will make you move from a shamed, sad Sam to a proud, authentic Anna.
I mean, would having a pair of red soled shoes make you a better person? I know, this is a hard one because they’re Louboutins, but resist that advertising message and really authentically ask yourself this question. We both know that that answer is no, and upon re-examination, should you be lusting over a small $2500 Prada piece of leather built to be worn as an accessory to hold your well earned money? The answer to this is also no. Standing up to brand power is tough, but girlfriend, resist that pull to retail – you can do it!
There is a reason that envy is the 6th of the 7 deadly sins. It is a tough one because once it sinks its teeth in it does not want to let go. But, by asking yourself the above questions, you will begin the process to disempower the claws of envy. I would wager to guess that then establishing your goals will help you move forward in your own authentic, well-earned way – and you know, it also may just might flip this whole thing. What do I mean by that? Well, the satisfaction and self-pride you will feel from shifting and reappraising will be palpable and you may well find that the mollycoddled co-worker is the one doing the envying.
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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.
ketchup sandwiches
I get it, I soooo get it….
I too have co-workers in my area that seem to be either oblivious to thier distracting glamours or are aware and manage to ever so cooly make you aware too – without having to do much more than flash the sole of the Loubiton during rounds. Even more cutting, is that they get to sit around looking at magazine’s while I run my behind off, a sweaty mess, with not even enought time for a break, while they get to sit and discuss the latest trip to Ibiza with similar co-horts and then later say ” o yes, I know, we in heathcare are so over worked…” – NO, I’m over worked and you like to think you are a team player….
That said my mother (full of wonderful quotes and expressions) says ” For every finger you point, there are three pointing back at you…”, meaning this – if I were to make a list – wich I have done in past – and right down all those traits and behaviors of the person I’m envious of, and then look at it, scratch their name from the top of the list and replace it with – I might find that what it is about the person that I cant get my head around, is a trait that I either desire to have, or don’t like to much about myself. example “lady divine of the 3rd floor – shows off ” vrs. “me – wish I be more confident and not feel false when I try”.
This is not to say we have to analyze things all the time, having come from a place of being so poor I ate ketchup sandwiches 3 times a day, (ketchup taken from Mcdonalds no less), sometimes I just have to own the fact that “you are you,and I am me….” I guess im saying , take a look at it – own it – then let it go. Own your envy, something about “owning” your reactions and feelings creates a space to then choose to step out of them.
The fact you wrote in means you are a very insightful person (unlike mrs, divine Bahammas 2015) and probably the fact she can be so blatant about her privelidges without realizing she is affecting others means either she does not have the insights you do or – she is actually very insecure (often the case with the perfect ones I have found), and she probably hopes no one can see through the bling – but you have.
Finally, one more from my mom that helps me….and this one is hard and humbling but gets you out of yourself “if you cant stand em’ – pray for em!”…
Believe me – I so get it.
nem
I agree EFAP you are right on the mark.
It all starts with looking a little deeper at ourselves and to start by asking some simple questions like ‘where am I coming from’ and ‘why do I feel this way’
And there is every reason to believe that you CAN feel differently about your co-worker because by virtue of being a child of this universe you ARE worthy and always loved guided and protected 🙂
Dear EFAP
Thank-you for your comment!
Anonymous 2
Thank you EFAP for your wise input on this topic. You have certainly got to the core of it. It is not about others, it is about us and what we really, really want from life. IT IS ABOUT BEING KIND TO OURSELVES, SO THAT WE CAN BE TO OTHERS.
Thank you for the resources provided. We are all a work in progress.
Take care
Dear EFAP
Indeed – being kind to ourselves allows us to be available to be kind to others
Been broke before
While I find Dear EFAP makes some excellent points about shame, envy and materialism, I feel there’s an important point that Samantha made that’s gotten lost in this reply:”Maybe it’s because it’s coming up to the end of the month and I am scrounging for rent”.
Having been in a similar place myself, I can appreciate how stressful, overwhelming and truly unjust it is to work a job I value (but society undervalues) and try to afford to live in the Lower Mainland. The stress of living pay-cheque to pay-cheque and sinking deeper into debt is oppressive, and respectfully I must say that I think EFAP’s advice to just re-evaluate one’s hopes and dreams minimizes this sruggle.
Dear EFAP
Thank-you for your thoughts – the impact of stress is indeed important to remember!
Anonymous
Firstly, a woman who brags about not having to work hard for the things she buys, is an embarrassment to woman-kind all over the world.
Secondly, I find women who have to show off their fancy things and base their personalities on materialistic purchases and bragging – usually are hiding a very painful life behind the scenes. It could be something at home, a complete lack of self-confidence, a lack of friends or family support – or they’re literally racking up a credit card bill so high it’s out of control and they’re lying to you about the reality of their situation.
People with shopping addictions and frivolous spending habits, are generally trying to fill a gap in their life or using it as a temporary band-aid to cover serious issues under the surface.
Stay strong, you work hard for your rent, you support yourself 100%. That is a HUGE accomplishment and you deserve a pat on the back for being a strong independent woman!
Dear EFAP
Thanks so much for your very thoughtful and supportive comment!
Anonymous
Perhaps I’m mis-reading something, but I did not see anywhere there that the woman ‘brags about not having to work hard for the things she buys”. Again, the writer claims she is showing off her fancy things, but perhaps she isn’t. Maybe she just enjoys those things. I don’t believe that because a woman carries designer items that it automatically means she is ‘showing off’.
I agree that supporting oneself is definitely an accomplishment but I don’t think that believing women who have ‘nice things’ means they are living a ‘painful life behind the scenes’. I think we should accept everyone for who they are and not jump to any conclusions about their personalities based on what they wear.
Dear EFAP
Thank-you for your comment!