Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

We want your questions

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

 
My co-worker is being bullied and he will not report it as he fears it will get worse. I have tried to encourage him to get help but he won’t. I can hardly blame him as I too have been scared of this bully, but it’s Pink Shirt day this week and so I figured I should finally get up enough nerve to write to you and ask for help. So here I am.

I want to help him. The bully is in our workplace and makes fun of my co-worker’s clothes and talks behind his back. I tried turning a blind eye to it, but man, it’s eating me up inside. I read your column regularly and you seem to come up with some good advice so, I thought I would ask – what should I do? I have no clue.
– Baffled by the Bullying.

Dear Baffled by the Bullying,
Do you know the history of Pink Shirt Day? David Shepherd and Travis Price, both teenagers and high school students, organized a protest to wear pink shirts in support of a new Grade 9 boy who was being bullied for wearing a pink shirt to school. Here is what they did, and it is way cool – the two boys went to a discount store and bought 50 pink tank tops. They sent a message to their friends that night to let them know what they were doing. The boys lugged the shirts to school the next day and stood in the school foyer giving them out. All of their pals supportively and eagerly put them on, and when the bullied boy walked in his face reportedly lit up. The organizers said it was like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

And so, my friend, I am going to encourage you to channel your inner Mr. Shepherd and Mr. Price and take a stand against bullying, and what better a day to start than Pink Shirt Day! Gossiping is indeed a form of bullying – a nifty little phrase to remember is “Nothing about me without me.” Instead of saying something about someone who is not there to defend themselves, this little phrase reminds us that we can make a different decision and say something nice instead.

Now, in terms of taking on this bully, you do not have to do it alone – you can call the confidential 1-844 NO-BULLY line at VCH and get help. These experienced folks can help you sort out what you want to do and exactly how, so please do consider giving them a call. But what do I, personally, think you should do? Without knowing the entire story, which is what the NO-BULLY line folks are so great at listening to, I would suggest wearing your pink shirt proudly on Pink Shirt Day, and take a stand when you overhear the gossip. You might consider saying something like “Hey guys, that isn’t my experience of ______. It’s really not okay to talk behind his back. If you have an issue with him discuss it directly with him. I’m not participating in this.” If people stop gossiping, gossiping stops! Now, when you do this you may well receive some reprisal behaviour and the bully may try to bully you. This may happen, but this is when you can really take a stand and report it. In fact, you can also encourage your friend to do so too, with you. Once reported it will be responded to within 3 business days.

Remember – gossip can stop with you and respect can start with you. Think of how great the bullied teenage boy felt when so many others supported him and took a stand. You could have the same impact, and imagine the weight you would lift off your bullied friend’s shoulders. And, by the way, we’re sending this response to you a bit before Pink Shirt Day so you have some time to consider some of these response options. Thanks for writing in – it’s important for others to know that they are not alone in dealing with this kind of behaviour in the workplace, that it’s okay to call the NO-BULLY line for help, and that it’s okay to take a stand. And, when you do take that stand, know that VCH has your back.

* * *

The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.