Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

My ‘so called’ best friend of many years just stole my new boyfriend – I am so upset!!! We were a fairly new couple and I was so excited – he was such a catch. Apparently she thought so too. We all met up one night for drinks so that I could introduce them to each other and it felt weird from the second we sat down. She was way too flirty, laughed way too long and way too loudly at his lame jokes, and she kept touching his knee, I was incensed! At one point, and I am embarrassed to admit that I did this, I even resorted to strategically planned bends to pick up some fictitious thing I feigned I had dropped on the floor to remind him of my above-the-waist-assets, but he completely ignored me. My cleavage was no match for her conversation. Eventually she left, but I think I saw her slip her business card into his pocket, and now, all of a sudden, he isn’t available this weekend. I smell a rat and I think it’s her, what should I do? Part of me wants to confront her and part of me wants to barbeque her!
– Pissed Off By My ‘So Called’ Pal

Dear Pissed Off By My ‘So Called” Pal,

Upset as you are, it would be wise to keep the barbeque for burgers, not besties. Your ‘so called’ best friend is a good name for this piece of work! Friendship is about trust and clearly she has severely breached yours, even if she isn’t the reason that he’s busy this weekend. Flirting so outrageously and indicating that she is interested when you are dating him is not okay to do to a pal. If she can do this to you then what else is she capable of? I’m not sure that you want to hang around to find out. You can confront her, but think about whether you would believe her response. If you think you would then it may be worth a chat, but if you know you won’t, then don’t waste your breath and instead re-evaluate the friendship going forward.

As for his behaviour, because he clearly played a role, let’s just say he reminds me of Hans from the movie “Frozen” – the would-be Prince Charming turned bad guy, if you catch my drift. If the two of you have decided you are exclusive then you have every right to nicely ask him what he is up to this weekend that takes him away from seeing you. If, though, you are in the grey area of “we’re dating and on our way to being exclusive,” then it becomes fuzzier – best to check if you are a couple before you confront.

If you are not a couple in his eyes, nor were not becoming one, your friend might have done you a favour in shining a light on this, quite by accident. If he agrees that you are a committed couple but also admits to planning to step out with your friend then both have betrayed you and they deserve each other. The fact that he has done this to you, in this way, is often a pattern that reflects he has done it before. So, if it is any comfort at all, the likelihood that he will do the very same thing to her when the next set of eyelashes come flapping is very high.

In spite of this I do hear that you are hurting and I get it. You have just been through two sets of loss – your new beau and your old (albeit, ‘so called’) friend. When we experience loss we go through a variety of emotions, ranging from shock to anger (which is where I figure you are right now, and rightly so) to acceptance and eventually to moving on. Anger can be healthy as it is a way of re-establishing ourselves, it only becomes dangerous when it turns to rage, so let yourself feel your anger and move through it to the next step. It’s a journey but you will get there. Soon you will no longer want to put the energy into feeling anger or feeling anything towards him, and this will be your sign that you have moved on. It will happen, just be patient. And like the movie “Frozen,” remember Hans was a villain even though he looked like a good guy. When Anna really needed help she found a much kinder, loyal, caring guy who made her so very happy. So channel your inner Anna and onward to finding your own Kristoff.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.