Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

 
I was lonely…really lonely. My husband is in healthcare and works all of the time – long hours and he’s always on call. He’s never around and when he is, either his nose is at the computer or in a newspaper. We seldom talk, and when the kids aren’t around at dinner there is nothing to say. I let him know I wasn’t happy more than a few times and he responded by telling me to calm down and not to get so emotional. We then tried counselling – not successful. We both went but honestly I don’t think either of us emotionally showed up. Vacations usually entail me reading a lot of books by myself on a beach chair while he goes off to do day trips and excursions – none of them with me. So, I finally had enough and I turned to someone else. I had, and am still having, an affair. I went online and met someone. The details of that aren’t important – what’s important now is that I really think I love this guy I met. It has been a “covert operation” for about a year now. He makes me tingle and giggle and he loves doing things for me and with me, and he actually talks to me! It’s perfect. I want to be with him, and he with me, but then there is my husband, my family, and my life. What should I do?
– Undecided Infidel

Dear Undecided Infidel,
Did you know that loneliness is the most common reason for married women to have affairs? Women usually go searching for something to fill an emotional void that they’re experiencing and this, my friend, certainly sounds like your story. What should you do? Well, I think you’ve kind of been voting with your feet for the last year as you have been participating in this, as you called it, “covert operation.” Also, lying and hiding aren’t great for you or for anyone else in this scenario, and given the lack of interest you describe your hubby having in you – who knows, maybe he too is stepping out on your marriage! Both of you sound very unhappy, and that isn’t easy on either of you or your family.

It does sound like you gave it a fair shot with attempting to communicate with him and then attending counselling, but you do have a life together and children. Divorce is emotionally and financially difficult and you have only known you Mr. Tingle and Giggle for a year of stolen moments and that is more about excitement rather than relationship, so I would argue that you don’t yet truly know how a relationship with him would, be albeit the signs are good. Remember, life isn’t built on adrenalin, so let’s slow down and really allow for some wisdom on this large decision to make sure that what you “think” you want is indeed what you really do want before you take the plunge.

Normally I would encourage you to “park” your affair while you take a bit of time to review your current situation. To really try and legitimately review it while you’re sneaking off for romantic trysts is quite literally impossible. You need a bit of space to review where you’re at and where you’re going. If you haven’t already done that, I would suggest that your current situation deserves an unclouded reflection period, and that would mean putting a hold on your current covert honey while you assess where you’re at with your husband. If the new guy really loves you and wants to be with you as much as he says, then he will be able to wait a few months while you undertake this period of reflection. If not, and he becomes insistent and impatient, then he may not be quite the man you think, so tread carefully.

In beginning to review your current state, talking to your spouse and letting him know your feelings is a good place to start, but it sounds like you tried that and there was no uptake. Following that, I usually suggest counselling, but it sounds like you have done that too, and also to no avail. So, the next step I might put forth involves getting some support and education for yourself as you proceed – EFAP can help in both instances. Getting emotional support from a confidential third party can help you navigate what may come (i.e. really looking at what you want, how to speak to children about separation – if that’s the way you go – how to let your partner know that your marriage has come to an end, dealing with your new guy’s emotions through all of this, etc.). These are big decisions and big conversations, and a skilled therapist can assist you to find the way through them that is right for you. A therapist is also a good choice over a friend as you can be completely honest and not fear that it will come out in a social situation in some way. You need someone firmly in your camp right now, and so a professional may be the best option.

Also, information is power in any situation, and this one is no different. An informational consult with a family lawyer could provide you with a bit of a map of the territory that you may have to navigate if you choose to divorce, and it can be very helpful – it’s best to know where you’re going before you head out on that journey. Give us a call and we can arrange a free consult between you and one of our family lawyers to give you some indication of what you may expect. Once you have the information it may help you decide what to do and how best to do it.

Having some information under your belt, some individual support from a counsellor, and your current “covert operation” on hold, will help set you up for success in taking this step in your life. Life is too short to be miserable, so perhaps slow down and allow yourself to really take some time to get some information and support that can truly help get you off that lonely path and onto one filled with happiness.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.