Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!
My daughter is turning 15 soon and she’s asked us to host a party for her. Normally I would be fine with that, but she oh-so-slyly mentioned that some of her friends had alcohol at their birthday parties and it would be ‘cool’ if she did too. On one hand, I know kids these days aren’t naïve and have probably tried alcohol and drugs way before I ever did. So part of me thinks that I should just buy the alcohol and give them the space to drink – at least that way I’ll know what my daughter is drinking and she won’t be in some random place without adults, potentially overdoing it. But then, I think, she’s only 15! Why are kids starting to drink so young? Don’t they want to go to the mall and hang out with their friends anymore? Or is that just me dating myself…? I am really at a cross roads about what I should do and how I should even approach talking to my daughter about this.
– Anguished Parent

Dear Anguished Parent,
I feel your pain and bewilderment – why, out of what seems like nowhere, did your child get old enough to find alcohol more alluring than Aritzia? And when did “cool” turn from Mickey Mouse to mickeys of vodka? It seems like only yesterday that she was a little girl, but your 15 year old daughter is growing up and these are tough but normal challenges we parents and our teens face in today’s world. They are not easy, so good for you for reaching out because you are not alone in managing this dilemma.

My take on this issue – supporting drinking behaviours in your underage teen is not only a bad idea; it’s also against the law. To quote a current VCH campaign that encourages adults to eliminate youth access to alcohol: “Think before you let them drink”. Now, let’s take a look at what might help you sort out your dilemma.

I find the theme of pressure around alcohol in your situation interesting, and by no means uncommon. Your daughter is facing pressure to be “cool” to have alcohol at her party, and you are feeling pressured to be a “responsible” parent to supply and supervise its use. It’s time to look at how best to stand up to that pressure.

Some parents do indeed feel that supplying alcohol and allowing children to drink under their roof is a good thing as it provides a safe place to experience alcohol. Unfortunately, research and the law do not agree with them. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism states clearly that allowing children to drink inside the home does not provide benefit, but in fact increases the chances of your child developing alcohol-related problems later in life. Other studies on alcohol in underage teens cite how it negatively affects their physical and mental development. Alcohol is also a powerful psychoactive drug and not something to be doled out as a party favour, even if it is with the best intentions.

And then there is the small fact that supplying alcohol to minors is illegal. Did you know that being a social host to underage kids makes you liable for their behaviour? Providing alcohol at home to minors who aren’t your children directly increases your risk of legal consequences and civil liability. Simply providing alcohol to a minor can result in a $500 fine, and any underage youth found in possession of alcohol are also subject to a fine of $230. More so, if they leave your home drunk and get into an accident – in addition to it being a heartbreaking, guilt wracking loss for you – it could also be a financially crippling liability. So – really not a good idea, and on so many fronts.

You also wondered if you should approach your daughter and talk about this issue with her. Simply stated: Yes! Absolutely, and the sooner the better! Ironically, the best thing to do to begin that discussion is not to talk. If you launch into a “talk” it will likely feel like a lecture, and the opportunity will be shut down. Asking a question and then listening to her answer is a far better way to encourage dialogue. Talking openly about alcohol with your teen is a key way to protect her from alcohol-related harm. For some great tips on how to have this conversation check this out. As peer pressure can be a big part of teen drinking, you might want to also consider reviewing the website www.coolspot.gov with your daughter. This is a great place for both of you to get information on alcohol and tips on how to resist peer pressure. Doing this together can help guide a discussion that is focused on how to manage the challenges that exposure to alcohol brings.

Providing alcohol at home will not inoculate your child from drinking problems later, my friend, but providing information about it, open communication around it, and a household that models alcohol restraint will. Thinking before you let her drink, and encouraging and teaching her about how to think before she makes the decision to drink, will provide a far safer path. Onward, and good luck!

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.