Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

 
My 17 year old son is worrying me. I don’t talk to him much. I never really have. It is not that I don’t want to – I do – I just don’t know how. He’s doing some stuff which looks like “typical teenager” behaviour, but it just doesn’t feel quite right. He’s engaging in some risky behaviour, some experimenting with substances, he gets into conflict with others quite a bit, and recently the police were almost called, but luckily the situation settled. He also seems more impulsive lately, with an inability to focus. He’s withdrawing too and I just don’t feel that he is the same kid. I asked him if everything was okay and he said he was fine, but I don’t think he is. I’m on my own out here without a lot of family support. I heard on the radio that it was Mental Health Week, so I thought I would write in. Should I be worried?
– Worried Mom

Dear Worried Mom,
Well, if Moms out there were half as alert as you are to the things that our kids are engaging in we would have a much better handle on the land of teens. Great observations, Mom! And please know that you are not alone – we have counsellors and parent coaches and lots of support available to you while you navigate how to best handle these issues with your son. Remember to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put in on your child, so please do consider giving us a call.

The symptoms that you are describing are indeed quite typical for teens, but they’re also behaviours to keep an eye on as they can be indicative of some other things that may be going on. I would ask you to trust your gut – it sounds like you have a good one. If you think that something is going on with him it could well be that that it is the case. It’s very common for parents to write all of these changes off as typical teen behaviour, thus leaving a child who may be struggling with an untreated condition without help.

You mentioned Mental Health Week and it’s interesting because they actually discuss the use of the word “fine” in their campaign. They suggest that we say that we are “fine” when in fact we are “phine.” “Phine” is defined as saying we are fine when we are not. Men and boys do this a lot, but women and girls do it too. I think that the answer has been turned into a societal expectation, such that when we ask “How are you?” we expect the response to be “Fine.” We don’t expect “I’ve been feeling a bit anxious and my depression is growing such that I’m in conflict more and ….” well, you get my drift. Instead we say “Phine.”

What to do? The first thing is to get him talking to you more. Believe me, honey child, I know that that is a hard thing to do with a teen but it’s a place to start. You need to hear a bit more about what’s going on for him in order to be able to decide what to do for him. To begin that conversation, stay away from the big questions. Questions like “How is school?” or “How are all of your friends doing?” or “What’s up this weekend?” will get you answers like “Fine” or “I don’t know” and so it’s best to steer clear of them. Enlisting his help or his opinion on something could be an easier way to start a conversation with him: “I’m wondering if I could show you something. You have always been better than me at ______. Would you mind taking a look and telling me what you think?” This approach not only begins a discussion, but it does so around an activity which creates a chance for the conversation can grow. With a teen, starting with smaller questions is a good place to begin. It’s also Mother’s Day coming up, so you could let him know that you’re going to put a bit of money aside for the two of you to do something together, and you could ask him for suggestions. Positive conversations that pull on what he knows, or that show a bit or your vulnerability will be easier for him to engage in.

Starting with “I’m concerned about you withdrawing and getting into trouble lately” will likely send him running for the hills, or, in more typical teen behavior, heading to his room and slamming the door. Don’t get me wrong, asking about some of the behaviours that you mentioned above is important to do, but you can’t start there. You have to build a conversational relationship that allows you to ask him those questions. If he feels like he can open up to you, then it’s more likely he’ll tell you what’s going on. If it comes from left field, well, he will refuse to even get up to bat. He may indeed be struggling with some mental health issues, so talking with him about them is the goal, but just talking with him – period – is the place to start. He’ll likely have a lot to say and some strong opinions about his situation, so when you do begin the conversation have patience, an open mind and remember to focus on listening to him. Those who listen learn a lot more than those who talk, just saying.

In the course of these conversations, you will slowly learn more about the “why” behind some of his presenting behaviours, and then the two of you can jointly decide what to do. We can help you, if you like, or you can go to the Canadian Mental Health Association’s website and take a look at their list of resources (https://www.cmha.ca/). The most important thing is that you’re noticing that your child needs some help and you want to give it to him. We want to help support you both, so that the next time he answers you by saying that he’s “Phine,” he truly is “Fine!”

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.