Dear EFAP: Irked by the guests

Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

I was just at a dinner party on a gorgeous night and, as any good guest does, I brought a bottle of nice wine that I knew the hostess liked and flowers in a small vase from her favourite florist in town. At the end of dinner I helped the hostess clear as there were 21 people, plus children and the odd dog or two – clearly she was inundated. To me, it’s just a “duh” that you help clear the table! What irked me was that no one else offered to help; not one wine-sipping, stomach-stuffed perfectly capable adult – not a single one. I wasn’t bothered by helping at all, what bothered me was that no one else did! I wanted to say something but I kept my mouth shut and continued helping. Should I have done differently? It’s still bugging me.
– Irked by the Guests

Dear Irked by the Guests,

Very short answer “No.” I see two issues here: rude dinner guests (an issue of manners), and whether or not you should have said something to them (an issue of politeness).

In terms of rude dinner guests, and in the words of the eminent Emily Post: “Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter which fork you use.” As you can see, Ms. Post suggests that manners are really about the feelings of others. If you are aware of those feelings, which it sounds like you are, you have good manners. Also, very appropriate that you brought wine that you knew the hostess liked – this is essential when attending a dinner party. A sidebar…I once knew a person who would take empty bottles of expensive wine, clean them, fill them with his homemade disastrous plonk, and then bring them to dinner parties and try and pass it off as the real thing. We stopped that behaviour by bringing one of his back to a dinner party at his house.

As for saying something, this is where it gets a bit trickier. I love what Lisa H., the blogger of “Getting to Zen,” writes on this topic of how to handle rude people, some of which I’ve incorporated into my answer here. If you value your relationships with those who didn’t help with the clean-up you might consider letting them know how their behavior made you feel. Watching them sit back and sip Chablis while you and the hostess cleaned is something only to be taken on with people that you know and care about. This isn’t always easy to do because some people can quickly become defensive, forcing you to shut down any conversation that might lead to a resolution. Being unable to confront someone often leaves what I call “friend residue” and creates a barrier to intimacy. Essentially, we no longer feel comfortable discussing anything of substance with that person, especially our feelings. I would suggest that you only confront these people if they are close, valued friends.

If you’re dealing with strangers, I would suggest that you walk away. When it comes to deciding whether or not to confront someone, it might be better to stay on the safe side and just leave it. Granted no one is going to go all road rage on you at a dinner party, having consumed a hefty amount of alcohol can lead to a higher chance of reactive digs that just aren’t worth it. It’s really the host and hostess’ problem, not yours. If you take it on and cause a scene it’s actually you who’s being rude, and you don’t want that.
One my favorite quotes from Maya Angelou is: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” If you get nothing else from this response, my friend, please get this. You can’t change another person and if you are trying to, well, you’re wasting your time. Sure, there are those times when someone sees the light, has a change of heart, goes to the mountain top and becomes transformed by divinity. But for the most part, you will be disappointed. Rude people have a right to be who they are, just like you have a right to be who you are. So, my take on it? You did very well in choosing to just leave it. You learned a lot about them, and when the next dinner party comes along and you’re on the top of the invite list smile with a sense of satisfaction, and remember not to invite them over to your place.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.