Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

 
My boyfriend is too busy to spend any time with me. I don’t want to sound like Wendy Whiner but I think I deserve to be with someone who makes time for me. I do love him and don’t want to leave him, but I’m honestly not sure what to do. Any advice you could offer on this one?
– Troubled by the Lack of Time

Dear Troubled by the Lack of Time,
Well girlfriend, this can be tricky. I guess I would start with, what is he busy doing? Is he solving world peace? And if that’s the case, then I might cut him some slack. Is he doing extra jobs so that he can afford to buy you a nice engagement ring? And if that’s the case, then I think a little understanding there might also be in order. Is he helping out his invalid Mom? Again, a little charity here, maybe? Or is he out drinking with the guys, surfing dating sites on the net, watching hours of uninterrupted organized sporting events or indulging in random acts of self- centredness? I would say that the first thing you need in this situation is some context – once you know this then I think it will be easier to plan your next step.

Indeed as his girlfriend you deserve to have time with him, but he also has a life. A healthy relationship is about balance, if you want to spend a lot of time with him as yourself “Why?” What is driving that need in you? It’s always a good idea to self-reflect; when we do this we can be clearer on where we’re coming from. If, when you do this, you realize that you might be wandering a bit too far into the “needy” zone, then it’s time to recalibrate, work on yourself, and give him some space. But, if you realize that he’s more in love with his TV clicker than you, well then, it might be time for a relationship rethink.

Either way, I suggest you have a conversation with him about how he sees your relationship and his priorities. During this conversation you can list your own priorities and see how they match up. If they don’t match up then it might be time to visit Match.com – what I mean is, if he really doesn’t value time together and you really do, then he may not be the guy for you. If that’s the case, then it’s better to know earlier rather than later, and if you want some support through this do give us a call (1-800-505-4929).

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.