Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!
Thanksgiving is almost upon us; I used to like it, it was one of the holidays that had no gifts, good food, and was filled with nice family time. The “nice family time” has indeed gone by the wayside and I am now a two turkey child – well, adult child. The issue this year is that my father (separated from my mother, due to her accidentally learning of his indiscretions – think the Ashley Madison debacle on steroids) wants my sibs, their spouses and children all to troop over to his new home for turkey on Thanksgiving Sunday with his new main squeeze and her kids. My mother also wants us to come to her place on Sunday, and while I think she would change the date, I don’t think that she should have to change it – he has caused her enough grief. Both of my parents insist on turkey and both insist on the full complement of their children and their families showing up, but I just can’t be in two places at once. I don’t really want to go to my father’s place because I’m not ready to deal with his “latest love” (I’m sure that there will be more, it seems as he goes up in age they go down in age). Both of my parents are requesting that I tell the other one what their plans are, as I have done this in the past, but I hate it. I’m feeling pulled, and am very anxious about the whole thing. Any thoughts on what I could do here?
– Troubled by the Two Turkeys

Dear Troubled by the Two Turkeys,
It’s indeed unfortunate that Thanksgiving is bringing you misgivings. As I read your story I was struck by how you have been put in the middle and think maybe looking at how to resign that position is a place to start. By historically accepting to relay messages between them you have inadvertently become the self-appointed middle man. So, this time perhaps stand back and ask yourself: What do I want to do this Thanksgiving? What would really work for me? Whatever that is, then that alone is the communication that you’re truly responsible for sharing with them. You’re not responsible for relating their wishes to each other, so think on how you might be able to decline this latest invitation to be the go between before you even get near the turkey talk.

The next issue appears to be that you do not feel comfortable at Dad’s, especially not with his latest gal pal. Try asking yourself what it is that really makes this an issue? If it’s just seeing your Dad because of the sordid break-up then that is something to unpack, and we at EFAP could help you with this. If it’s about being in his house with another woman that’s causing distress, you could consider turning the tables. This would involve being quite frank with “Daddy-o” and letting him nicely know that you aren’t ready for a “pseudo family” affair but would like to see him over this holiday. You see, when you’re at his house he’s in control, so switching the get-together to your place allows you to be in charge of the domain, the time, the menu, and the guest list! You might consider inviting just him for Sunday brunch along with your sibs. Your sibs may choose to go to elsewhere, and in fact may choose to go to dinner at his place, but that’s not something you’re responsible for managing. An honest chat with “Pops” about how brunch is all that you can manage this year would let him know that you love him but aren’t quite healed from his break up with your Mom and that you’re not quite ready for a big dinner with another person. Let him know that he will need to give you some time, this way you’ve resigned your middle man position, provided an opportunity to see your Dad on your terms, given him a bit of honest info about where you are at in this process, and solved your two turkey problem! Happy Thanksgiving, my friend.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.