Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

 
I cheated on my partner; I did it in a fairly organized, albeit sneaky way through the Ashley Madison site. Now that the site has been exposed I’m worried that my name will come out. I don’t want to leave my partner, I think I still love them, and I know that I don’t want to hurt them. I’m terrified that I will be outed, what should I do?
– Outed by Ashley

Dear Outed by Ashley,
Well, my friend, I’m thinking here that maybe the best defense is a good offense. It sounds like it’s time to fess up to what you’ve been doing, and just because it has a website, let’s be clear, having an affair is never respectful to a partner. If you truly don’t want to hurt them, and if you ever again have the temptation to step outside your partnership, get some assistance to help you stand up to that miscalculated thinking. Affairs are never the right answer; sometimes an unhealthy partnership needs work and sometimes they need to end, but never is a clandestine third party the way to solve it.

So, now the chickens have come home to roost and you’re wondering where to put them. At the risk of throwing out another cliché, perhaps honesty is the best policy here. If you come clean with your situation, explain what happened, own up to a bad decision (and maybe offer to have yourself checked out by a Dr.), you will at least be in charge of what you say, how you say it, when you say it and what you do as a result of saying it. With this approach you can really set the stage and deliver it in the most sensitive way. You could even have a coach or therapist help you out with crafting what you want to say (we have those kind of folks at www.efap.ca). If you wait in the shadows any longer you risk not only publicly humiliating yourself but also doing so to your partner. The sooner you can find some support and courage to craft and say what needs to be said, the sooner you can get back on an honest path.

If, though, there is true trouble in paradise and you really want to work on the partnership, or you realize through this process that it may well be over, then please do give us a call and we can support you in helping you through that next step. Affairs are symptoms of something; they take the heat off a bad situation, and ironically they allow for those bad situations to go on far longer than they would if they were honestly confronted. While I know you see it as a crises, it’s also an opportunity to step out of the shadows, look at what is truly going on, and deal with it.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.