Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses.  Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

I’ve heard a coworker say nice things to people to their face, but not very nice comments behind their backs. It’s not like her to behave this way, but she’s been doing this for a while now and it’s very hard to be a part of. I feel sick about it. I’m also scared that if I get involved she might say awful things about me. Can you help?

• Feeling Blue on Pink Shirt Day…

Dear Feeling Blue on Pink Shirt Day,

Feeling blue on the upcoming February 24th Pink Shirt Day is no easy thing to manage, my friend. It sounds like some disrespectful behaviour is going on, so please know you can call the No-Bully Line at 1-844-NO-BULLY and they can debrief with you and help you sort through this matter confidentially. You don’t even have to give your name or the person in question’s name. The No-Bully Line Associates will listen to your story and help you sort out some options, so please know that this is available to you right now.

My thoughts on how to deal with this, borrowed from the VCH Respectful Workplace Policy, are to “take a stand and lend a hand.” If you have witnessed bullying, harassment or disrespectful behaviour, then consider taking a stand and lending a hand. Taking a stand could include speaking up where appropriate; when you hear the person utter the gossip you might say “Excuse me, that is not my experience of (that person)” or “I’m not comfortable listening to this about (that person) without (that person) here” or, perhaps , “Excuse me, what you’re saying is not okay. Please stop.” Being guided by the rule of “nothing about me without me” will always guide you well.

If you move in this direction, remember that you don’t have to do it alone. Sometimes bullies can be hard to stand up to, so perhaps a few of your coworkers could take a stand together when they hear the gossip. There can be strength in numbers; taking a firm stand together can help deliver a clear message.   If, though, the behaviour continues, you have some more options. You can report the behaviour to your   supervisor or manager, or you can call Human Resources directly. I understand having a fear of retaliation, so please know that VCH has a no reprisal policy. If indeed that does occur, this is something to immediately report to your leader and HR. If you’re unsure of which way to go or exactly what to do, feel free to call the No-Bully Line and they can help you take that first step.

But I might add one thing to consider – I note that you said that this behaviour has only begun lately and it’s out of character for the person who’s doing it. This is important information, it may well be that there are things going on in their life that are causing them distress, and in turn showing up in the workplace in this unacceptable way. While it in no way excuses the behaviour, it suggests that having a bit of compassion in your approach to dealing with this matter might be a good thing. Please know that I’m not excusing the behaviour in any way, but I am encouraging you to think a little about the context as that might inform your approach.

Considering this, you may want to start a conversation with your coworker, which sounds a little bit like this: “I just need to let you know that lately I’ve heard you express irritation and disrespectful behaviour to our coworkers. They’re put off by it, hurt by it, and some are even a little intimidated by it. This behaviour isn’t like you, is there something going on that you’d like to talk about?” You may also want to say, “I care about you, if you need some help on this maybe try giving the No-Bully Line a call because this behaviour is hurting you as well as those around you, and it needs to stop.”

This approach allows you to look at the whole picture and gives the person a chance to apologize and self-correct. You’re also not negating the disrespectful behaviour they’ve been showing lately by clearly stating that it has to stop, but you’re doing so with a bit of humanity. It’s just something to consider as the behaviour you describe has only recently shown up and is out of character for the perpetrator. When we don’t look at the whole picture our haste to jump to a name can inadvertently be an act of bullying in itself.

Responding respectfully and not reactively to this situation sounds like it might be your best route for sustained success. It can be a bit daunting, so please reach out for some assistance.   Doing so can help set you up well to wear your pink shirt with pride knowing that you helped stop this behaviour.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you are a VCH staff member and find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.