Dear EFAP: Public PDA

Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses.  Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

Send us questions

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

Dear-EFAP-picture1My sister is big time posting PDA pics with her new honey all over Facebook, it’s so embarrassing! I cringe whenever I see the latest inappropriate post. She’s an adult and can do what she likes, but I can’t stand this outpouring of intimacy for all to see. What can I do? Help!

  • Pain over the PDA posts

Dear Pain over the PDA Posts,

Why couples feel an overwhelming need to post pictures of themselves attached at the hip and lip for the world to gawk over is indeed bewildering. This culture of oversharing is a whole new era that social medial has created and one that can leave innocent bystanders of such displays very uncomfortable.

Recent research out of Albright College in the US suggests that the self- esteem of “FBDA” couples (“Facebook Displays of Affection,” and yes can you believe there is an acronym for this behaviour?) is very often intertwined with their relationship. The study found that such Facebook actions can be associated with romantic insecurity. Apparently, lovebirds that use social media to brag about their relationship often feel the need to show others, their partners, and perhaps themselves, that their relationship is okay, and thus that they’re okay. Hmmm. Another study published in a well-known psychology bulletin suggested that the more that partners profiled their relationship intimacies online, the more unsure they were about the depth of their partner’s affections. Furthermore, on days when they were feeling more doubtful of their duo, the more they would post as a way to prove to themselves all was okay in Loveland. Hmmm again. And then there is some more literature that suggests this behavior is attention seeking. Hmm yet again.

This all makes sense, think about it: if two people are genuinely happy and enjoying each other, wouldn’t social media be the last thing on their minds? To me, the healthiest sign of a great relationship is no sign of it on Facebook. Each to his own, but in my book, intimacy and intimate pictures are for partners to share privately and not publically broadcast. And we cannot forget that when one publically posts or gets tagged in a photo, the pics are possibly there for eternity.

In the end, as you said, she’s an adult and it’s up to her. While you can’t “unsister” her, you can “unfriend” her on Facebook if it’s too uncomfortable for you to watch all of the “PDAing.” If the latter is your choice I would suggest respectfully telling her that the reason why you’re doing it is that you can’t participate in something that is upsetting to you and potentially harmful to her. Your power of persuasion in getting her to stop might likely be best demonstrated in your decision not to participate. If you gently take a stand for her privacy and reputation, perhaps the next time she chooses to post publically she’ll rethink that desire to receive the online okay and instead, go old fashioned, and get a room.

*   *   *

The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you are a VCH staff member and find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.