Dear EFAP: Daunted by the date!

Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses.  Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

I haven’t had a date in too long to admit and I finally have one this weekend – I’m over the moon about it! I’ve forgotten how to act around a man: I don’t know what to wear, I don’t know what to say – I’m so excited, but I’m a complete mess. Please help me!

• A Hot Mess for my Hot Date

Dear A Hot Mess for my Hot Date,

How exciting for you! Taking the plunge again can feel a bit chilly at first but once you get used to the “water” it can feel truly magical. First thing to think about – breathe! Take a moment to take a deep breath and calm yourself, a case of the nerves is not something you want to bring along on this first meeting. I’d be honoured to share a few tips to help you out, but look at that mirror, girlfriend, and let yourself know – you’ve got this!

What to wear? Well, I’m no style maven but on your behalf I looked up what a few fashion blogs say on the matter. In a nutshell they suggest: a pre-date search online of the venue that you’re going to in order to get a sense of the style of the place, don’t show off too much of the “merchandise,” pick a colour and outfit that flatter you, and don’t wear anything that you “can’t walk in, eat in, or breathe in.” So, that all sounds wise and probably a good place to start.

What to say? How to act? Well, I looked into what a bunch of dating coaches recommend and this is what I found: great communication starts with being truly interested in the person you’re with, so pay close attention to what he says. Also, ask open-ended questions and then follow-up questions that draw him out. The experts in this area also suggest we listen as much as, or more, than we talk. Getting to know someone is kind of like peeling an onion – best done one layer at a time. Some overeager daters get into intimate and deep conversations far too quickly, and when this happens most often your date will be put off – just when you thought you were getting to know each other in a “real” way, he’s hightailing out of there at lightning speed. When someone reveals too much too soon it can suggest boundary issues, unresolved pain, or even self-centeredness. There is plenty of time to get to meatier topics, so just chill on the first date and go easy. E-Harmony suggests the following questions as ones to consider asking on that first date:

1. Who has been the biggest influence in your life?
2. What kinds of things really make you laugh?
3. What’s your favorite place in the entire world?
4. Who is your best friend? What do you like about him/her?
5. Favorite movie of all time? Why so?
6. What’s your biggest goal in life right now?
7. What is your favorite way to spend a Saturday?
8. Do you have any pet peeves?
9. What was your family like growing up?
10. What were you like as a kid?
11. What should I know about you that I’d never think to ask about?
12. Did you—or do you—have a nickname? What’s the story behind it?
13. Who was your favorite schoolteacher or college professor? Why?
14. Have you figured out your calling in life? What is it?
15. What do you hate most about the dating process? (Tell me so I can avoid it!)

Stay away from: How do I look? How much money do you make? Have you ever been in love? These will likely shut down any chance of a follow-up phone call. Most importantly relax and have fun! Wear what you feel good in, say what’s comfortable and genuine, but try not to get too personal on the first date. In the end, confidence is your greatest accessory – enjoy and let me know how it goes!

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you are a VCH staff member and find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.