Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses.  Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

I’ve met this nice, smart, funny, pretty girl – and she even has a good job! She’s 29 and I’m a few years older, and we’ve been dating for about six weeks now. Lately she’s been hinting about taking joint vacations this summer, moving in together in the fall, and I recently saw a stack of newly purchased wedding magazines sitting on her kitchen island in full display. It’s all kind of freaking me out, I just feel like she’s going way too fast and I feel like I want to put the brakes on things a bit. What do you think?

• Freaked Out by the Fast Pace

Dear Freaked Out by the Fast Pace,

Wanting to put the brakes on a bit sounds wise – sometimes if we don’t slow down we end up crashing, just saying. You’ve only known this gal for 6 weeks and even though she seems great, and likely is, it does sound like she’s moving ahead a bit on the fast side. Healthy relationships progress at a natural speed; as both people become more and more comfortable with each other their relationship grows. The pace is a kind of unspoken, instinctive thing, and some folks seem to lack this instinct and can rush into making a new relationship into something it’s not quite ready to be. And with anything that goes too quickly – the end is not usually a favourable one. No one likes to be rushed, and feeling like your partner is pushing you to commit before you’re ready, however subtly, is a bit of a recipe for relationship wreckage. Especially dangerous is the M-bomb – mentioning it too soon can sink the deal and an otherwise successful relationship can be over before it has really had a chance to get serious. I’m thinking that she might be in love with what the relationship “could be” and isn’t really living in the here and now. I get it – she likes you and sees a future, but there’s a difference between seeing one and planning one.

But, it sounds like you like this gal, so how about talking with her to ask her to slow things down a bit? Let her know things are going well but that you’re not going to be ready to move in until you have both had a chance to get to know each other a bit better. If she isn’t okay with that, my friend, then I’m thinking she may not be the gal for you.

Your feelings here are really important, if she can’t understand that going a bit slower is important to you and she’s only interested in her time frame it smells a bit of self-centeredness. Having said that, it’s also not great to keep someone on the hook if you aren’t interested in committing – she obviously wants a serious relationship as she is nearing the big 3-0, and for some women the idea of being single at 30 freaks them out. So, this could be playing into her need for speed.

Checking in with her on this is only fair to you both. Letting her know that you’re serious and committed to getting to know each other better will relieve her anxiety, and letting her know that the relationship is solid but the pace just needs to come down a notch or two will relieve your anxiety. I’m thinking honesty here is the best policy, my friend. Take care and keep me posted.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you are a VCH staff member and find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.