Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses.  Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter-hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information.  Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

I feel like an outsider at work – no one includes me or invites me anywhere.  I’m new to a team that hasn’t seen new people for quite a while, but I just don’t get why they’re excluding me.  I’ve seen them talking behind my back, and I’m not sure what they’re saying but I’m too afraid to ask.  There’s one girl who’s kind of nice to me and everyone seems to like her, but she isn’t the leader of the group so she doesn’t really stand up for me.  I like my new Manager and I love working with the patients, but I’m not at all happy with the way my coworkers are treating me.  It’s a good job, but I’m thinking about leaving because I’m so miserable. What should I do?

• Feeling Excluded

Dear Feeling Excluded,

Oh my, that does not sound like a very easy thing to be dealing with.  I see that you’re feeling hurt and I’m sorry for that, and I want you to know that we are here to help.  Please know that you’re not alone in dealing with this, and that we, here at EFAP, can offer you confidential support right away 24/7/365 (604-872-4929). Similarly, the No-Bully Line Associates can also provide you with an opportunity to debrief your experience and offer additional supports at 1-844-NO-BULLY.

Exclusion and gossiping do hurt and can be forms of bullying. In terms of what you should do, I’m wondering if you think the group is purposefully excluding you, or are they inadvertently excluding you?  The difference is in the motivation. When the exclusion is targeted and purposeful it falls into the bullying arena, and when it’s done inadvertently it can hurt the same, but it isn’t done purposefully.  So, think on that a minute. It sounds like you’re new to a group who’s used to being together and not having new folks join their team, so it may indeed be that they just haven’t included you, as opposed to intentionally excluding you.

You also mentioned that there might be some gossiping going on.  Gossip can be very hurtful – I always like to play be the rule of “nothing about me without me.”  I did read, though, that you’re not really sure what they’re saying.  They might just be curious about you, and I think that that also needs to be determined.

So, what should you do?  I will offer a few options, but in order to get really comprehensive, customized support please do consider calling EFAP.  I’m wondering if it might be possible for you to approach the one girl that you said has been nice to you and invite her for lunch or coffee.  If you can build one relationship, then it makes it a bit easier to build more.  She sounds like she would be very willing to include you, and the fact that everyone likes her could help you to meet more people.  If you look at the group as a series of individuals who you can connect with instead of as one large group it may make things a bit easier.

In terms of the gossip, it seems like you’re not entirely sure what they’re saying about you. You may find that they’re saying nice things and are just curious about who you are.  After all, they’ve been working together for many years and you’re the new kid on the block, so to speak.  Again, your new friend might be able to help here – she might be willing to ask the others what they’re saying about you.  If so, and it turns out they’re simply curious about you, then I don’t think you have anything to worry about.  If, though, it turns out what they’re saying is not so nice perhaps your new friend could tell your Manager about what is being said, and your Manager could ask the others to stop.

I think the best route to take here is to begin by connecting with one person, as this may lead to getting to know more people.  Be patient with yourself, it takes time to develop relationships and please know that as you’re walking down that path, if you need a little help, we’re here to walk with you.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you are a VCH staff member and find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.