Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses.  Our “pithy” answers are modelled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information.  Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below are our responses to the next three selections – enjoy!

I work in an area that there is one lady who is everyone’s friend – I recently experienced a situation that she had a card go around and flowers for a person who was leaving the office – and she walked around the office laughing and talking to everyone…. I sit right beside her – never mentioned anything to me.  Also, another incident, she has witnessed a person being very rude to me – she put her head down… and later after the person left said that she was a nice person and was from a country where she was mistreated.

–   Looking for Info to Assist 

Dear Looking for Info to Assist,

Being left out of a workplace event is a hurtful thing to experience. Sometimes these exclusionary acts are oversights and not at all intentional, but just as difficult to weather.  Amidst the busyness of an office, especially when it involves someone who is interested in getting accolades from others, oversights and blindness to the impact of these behaviors on others can happen. Either way, you could let her know that in the future you would like to participate in office events, cards, etc.  Because she enjoys being everyone’s friend, having you as a friend might be very appealing to her.  If, though, you feel that it was not an oversight and that she may have an issue with you, you might want to ask her about it.  Try letting her know that you are sensing something might be up and that you would really like to be able to resolve it.  If you go this route, be sure to listen non-defensively for the greatest chance for success, and also really work together with her to make things better.  This will likely involve both of you shifting a bit, but if you’re both motivated then great things can happen.

It is interesting that you noticed her head was looking down during the second incident with your coworker.  Having her head down and commenting on the maltreatment history of your coworker indicates  that she also heard the not so nice comment, may have been unsure of what to do in the moment, and thus chose to put herself in a placating position by straddling two sides of the experience instead of taking a stand for one.  The problem is, when one is friend to all, it is very hard to be a true friend to one.  You sound observant and mindful and these skills will help you greatly.  And, if the behavior you have experienced continues, despite your attempts to rectify it, or if  you just need a little support to navigate your way through it all – don’t forget, you can confidentially consult with the VCH No Bully Line at 1-844-NO-BULLY to discuss your options.

I’ve been having issues in my marriage for a few years. My spouse has a mental illness and is so different, including some mean qualities. It’s very up and down. How do you know when enough is enough?

–   Undecided

Dear Undecided,

Making the “enough is enough” decision is tough. Managing marital issues is also not easy, so dealing with the added layer of mental health issues can amplify the situation. Know that you do not have to navigate this decision on your own – there is confidential therapeutic assistance available (consider www.efap.ca). That being said, it can be helpful to unpack these issues by recognizing and looking at both the marital and mental health challenges together. While they may not be mutually exclusive, each component comes with different issues for you to break down and examine.

It sounds like you have been very thoughtful on this to date – and good on you for that – so hastiness is probably not the ticket now (unless there is a safety concern which would expedite the need for your decision). Answers to specific questions might trigger your inner wisdom and invite you to think about your situation a bit differently. For instance, try asking yourself: What might “enough” look like? Might your marriage be better if his medication was adjusted (if OK’d by his doctor), such that there were fewer ups and downs? If he were to take responsibility for the impact of his mean comments/qualities and cut them out, might that energize you enough to stay and work on this? ‎Could you work together to examine the possibility of change?  Could you invite his more difficult mental health behaviours to wait outside when you’re with him?  If so, might your feelings for him be different? If things were going really well between the two of you, what would be different? What might you lose and what might you gain if you were to move forward on your own?

Carefully weighing your options by asking yourself questions and reflecting on your answers, maybe with some professional help, might be a helpful step that could allow for less regret‎ and more confidence in moving from undecided to decided.

I love my mom but these days she looks like a mixture of an aging eighties rocker and a concord grape.  She has taken to self-dying her hair with a particularly disastrous colour of maroon – bordering on purple.  If it were a nail colour I think it might be called “The Sour Grapes of Rap.”   A lot of her friends have commented to me, and to each other, on her unfortunate coif colour and how it is particularly inappropriate for the workplace.‎ My mom thinks that she looks like a hot babe, but to me she looks more like a cerebral abandoned glass of wine left over from last night’s party.  I don’t want to see her make a fool of herself any longer but I have no clue what to do.  Any suggestions?

–  Embarrassed Daughter of Disastrous Dye Job

Dear Embarrassed Daughter of a Disastrous Dye Job,

It would indeed seem wiser to wear the royal colour purple on one’s head in the form of a crown, not as the colour of one’s hair. It’s also probably not the best hair choice for anyone who isn’t spending all their time in rocker bars.  So, time for a conversation – the issue is with who and how to tell her.  Unfortunately, and maybe unknowingly to you, she has also been the victim of gossip between you and her friends. When people say unkind things about people without them present, however well-meaning, it’s gossip. So, in this scenario, not only do we see the wish that she’d change from her current maroon main to honey beige  because people have decided she’d look better and suffer less humiliation, but we also see some not so nice judgmental statements about her choice.  These comments are gossip and the first step is to stop them.

You love your mom so it’s time to take a stand for her. When her friends mention her hair colour again let them know that you won’t be participating in their dye job bashing any longer‎. The next step is to tell her. You have options from a heart-to-heart daughter-to-mom chat, prefaced by asking her if you can give her some well-meaning feedback because you care about her, to a group hair intervention that would include only the most well-meaning of her friends. An offer to chip in and get her a consult with a colour specialist from one of Vancouver’s premier salons might also be a thoughtful gesture.

It’s also interesting that her hair choice embarrasses you, and maybe also her pals, but seems not to embarrass her. And so, after all is said and done, if you are honest with telling her your concern and she is still ok with aubergine hair you might need to let it go, because then it is no longer her problem – it’s yours.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.