Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses.  Our “pithy” answers are modelled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

Send us your questions

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information.  Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below are our responses to the next two selections – enjoy!

One of my dear colleagues gave me a gift recently in honour of my wedding. And well, frankly it is hideous. The gift giver is so pleased with herself that she gave it to me. She constantly comments on it, expects that I will display it in my area   for all to see and checks that it is there.  I really like this co-worker but I really do not like the gift. It truly defines kitsch, if you catch my drift. I feel guilty but all I want to do is take it down and throw it out.  Please tell me what to do?

–  Guilted by the Gift

Dear Guilted by the Gift,

Here’s a suggestion, smile kindly at your co-worker, thank them genuinely for the lovely sentiment and then – let them know that you are taking the gift home.

My boyfriend’s best buddy bashes me behind both of our backs on a regular basis. My girlfriends who are in the same circle of friends tell me that he spouts off comments like:  “She’s too bossy”…” She’s too directive”…” She would make a terrible wife” or whatever, and it’s never nice‎.‎ My boyfriend is really smart and the nicest guy you’ll ever meet….think Leonard from The Big Bang Theory.  I have told my guy he has to confront his so-called pal and tell him to stop it or their friendship is toast, but I’m not sure if that’s the best advice.  What do you think?

–  Bashed by the Best Buddy

Dear Bashed by the Best Buddy,

Remember that you want to be thought of as a Beauty in this tale, and so when Best Buddy triggers your inner Beast it is important to keep it in check so you don’t become the very thing that he is accusing you of being. For instance “telling” your Leonard-esque-Love to confront his friend, threatening breakfast material outcomes (a “toasted” friendship) could perhaps be swapped for “asking” what his thoughts are on how to proceed and doing so from a place of love, not anger. Although anger is a way of establishing ourselves and has a helpful element, it is a secondary emotion that covers the primary emotion that is at the root source. It appears that you are angry about this bashing at your expense but I might also wager to guess that in this instance the primary emotion you may be feeling is hurt. You are likely hurt that this fellow who is so close to your man thinks so poorly of you and seems to enjoy telling the world of his unfavorable opinion. Spending some time listening to your Leonard-Like-Love’s ideas on what he might like to see come out of this whole thing might be a wiser route to travel on than the path that you are on now, as great honest discussion will probably have a better chance of drawing you closer to him and strengthening your relationship than would taking the alternate adversarial directive position. This might mean the three of you having to have a frank discussion on how things could improve, each one of you going into to it knowing that you will all likely have to shift some of your behavior to achieve resolution.  Any good mediated discussion focuses on interests, not positions, so focusing on the mutual interest that you both have of truly wanting   your mutual man to be happy could be a good place to start. This has a far better chance of a hopeful outcome than each of you insisting you are right.

But there is another piece of the behavior discussed in this situation that is a bit irksome. The so called “friend” circle that you mentioned (who first blubbered to you about the Bashing Buddy) sound more like a coven than a group of pals. It is certainly not behavior that Rachel, Monica and the gang at the Central Perk sported even when they didn’t approve of Phoebe’s latest love. This group seems to tell you what he says about you behind your back while at the same time they are listening to him saying bad things about you behind your back. Does that not sound a little “Witches of Eastwick” like? One could argue that although Buddy Basher’s comments are not very nice at least he is authentic, unlike the gaggle of gal pals that seem to be, however inadvertently, fueling this feud by having toxic gossiping conversations about you both.  Sounds like it is time to speak to your home girls and let them know that the best way of supporting you and your Loving-Leonard-Likeness would be that when Best Buddy begins another bad rant that they simply indicate that they will not hear it as that is not their experience of you. They can then wave their magic proverbial wands and shut him down forthwith by not providing any platform upon which he can speak unfavouringly about you.  With no audience and no platform the gossip will likely melt away like the OZ’s Witch of the West. You will then be able to take your rightfully earned position as Beauty in this fairytale and you and Leonard-Like-Love can be on your way to happily ever after with everyone’s support.

*    *    *

The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.