Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses.  Our “pithy” answers are modelled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below are our responses to the next two selections – enjoy!

I have no room left in my closet for the requisite 3 size wardrobe that every girl needs in order to accommodate my fluctuating 15 pound spread.  This is brought on by my therapeutic reliance on chocolate binging after the latest boyfriend dumping session, through to the over energetic gym surges that soon lose their luster after a few pounds shed and back the weight comes!  Although rather yo-yo like, the 3 size safety net allows for both my eating and exercising over-indulgences, but in order to have room for more clothes I need to make some decisions. How am I going to do this? Help!

–  Running Out of Room

Dear Running Out of Room,

Although this is being presented as a closet concern it sounds like some other things might be going on. A regular 15 pound weight shift is quite a lot of weight to be gaining and losing regularly enough to have a wardrobe that not only accommodates it but a psyche that expects it. I am wondering if you may get focused on the overeating or the over exercising to the point that while engaged in one of these actions it is hard to stop. These could be decisions informed by obsessive behavior and so might really benefit from speaking with a professional about (consider www.efap.ca).

Behaviors like these can also be linked to anxiety so it might also be helpful to reflect on when they get triggered. I note that sometimes the binging comes post beau break-up, and so, does it perhaps occur at times when you feel more anxious? And, after engaging in them, do you feel calmer? Again these are all things that a counsellor can confidentially help you sort out. I would suggest, for now, don’t worry so much about space in the closet and instead focus more on creating some space in your life to look at what might be causing this yo-yo like body weight and getting the help that you deserve. Once done, you may be able to move to a place where one size at a time can work. You will then no longer be running out of room, but instead more able to live comfortably with both the body and the room and that you have.

Every day at work I feel like Eeyore the depressed grey donkey in Winnie Pooh – let me explain. I am new to Vancouver and to VGH and trying to make friends on my unit. Most of the women are really nice but not that inclusive. They have all worked together forever and it doesn’t really seem that they have any room for someone new. I did make one friend, or at least I thought I had. We were having lunches and going for breaks together. Then her other friend came back from holidays and you know how it goes – three’s a crowd and so I was bumped out. I felt like Eeyore must have felt when Christopher Robin passed him over to instead spend time with Winnie the Pooh.  I now have no one to eat lunch with and feel a bit lost and depressed.  I have even missed a few days of work as I just have not really felt motivated to be there. Can you help?

–  Got the Eeyore Blues

Dear Got the Eeyore Blues,

I am not sure if you were aware, but of all the Winnie the Pooh characters Eeyore was the strongest, was thought to be the most compassionate, and when his house of sticks was knocked down as it often was he always rebuilt it – thus making him also the most resilient. I can think of worse Pooh animals to be associated with! Having said that, I do hear that you are hurting, so let’s look at how to support you by playing on some of your Eeyore-like strengths.  I do have to say, congratulations on being able to make a new friend so quickly in what sounds like a firmly established clique. If you have the skills to have done that then I know you have the skills and personality to make more friends. This is no easy feat so good on you.

It is hard to start a new job and go into an area where the cliques are tight. It can feel like you are being excluded but I hazard to guess that it is more likely that you are not being included – and this is much easier to tackle.  In a longstanding group like this it is very unlikely that you are being treated this way because you have done something wrong, but rather that the group has, for whatever reason, not sought you out. This does not mean that they are necessarily avoiding seeking you out, but doing so takes time and effort and sometimes with busy schedules and old habits the crowd forgets and the requisite Miss-Manners-in-the-schoolyard-behaviours get inadvertently sidestepped. It may mean that you will need to make a bit more of the effort at first, but it sounds like you are up for it. Remember if Eeyore can rebuild his house you can most certainly reach out to a few more of the gals in your area — but you need a plan.

I might suggest considering reaching out to the newly returned holiday gal to start.  I am sure it was not easy to feel pushed aside but, chances are, as you and the first pal got on so well, and the returning holiday person gets on with her really well, then logically you and the holiday gal should also get along. The issue, though, is that you don’t yet have a relationship with her. Perhaps you could approach her to go on break together. You could let her know that you are new and while she was away you got to know the mutual girlfriend, and that she had spoken highly of returned vacation girl and so you thought you two might have something in common. Another option is to ask her opinion on something that you know your new friend likes (or dislikes) as she may well also like (or dislike) that same thing. For example, what is the best beach? What is the best place to get your nails done in the area?  These kinds of things spark discussion and help to plant the friendship seed.  After a few breaks together you could suggest to her that it would be fun to all go out, then you can return to your first pal and let her know how nice her friend is and suggest the same to her. You could even ask her if there is anyone else she might want to include, and if by that time there is anyone new you could include them as you know what it is like to be the new girl on campus.  Another thing to consider is whether or not you two have any athletic things in common: running, swimming, tennis, walking working out are great ways to meet off shift. And if food or art are more your thing then a meet up at the Vancouver Art Gallery or a hot new trendy restaurant might be the way to go. This kind of approach lets them know that you are fun and you like to do things that are fun. Having a relationship with holiday girl  in and of your own right  and then including your new friend  will allow some foundation that will  help to  build a relationship between the three of you.

Eeyore was some fellow. He knew his strengths and played to them. If after these overtures you still feel a bit blue (because a new job in a new town can do that), you might also consider reaching out for some coaching or counselling (consider www.efap.ca).  And, as shift work can make it tricky to get to see a counsellor, you might want to also consider EFAP’s virtual and confidential Beating the Blues program to assist you with your feelings of depression. You may be in a new town, but you are not alone.  Remember, when Eeyore felt a bit down he used his ingenuity to approach his issues from a different angle.  He reached out and befriended Tigger, another of Christopher Robin’s animal pals, so that he had a pal to hang with when he felt passed over by Christopher Robin for Pooh.  Tigger had a vibrant personality that brought out Eeyore’s best qualities, and in the end, Tigger became Eeyore’s best friend.  Without being passed over, Eeyore never would have capitalized on his own ingenuity and resiliency in quite that way, but when he did he had great success.  And ya know, I am thinking that you indeed   sound like you have a bit of the same, so onward to your own success —  you have it in you.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.