Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses.  Our “pithy” answers are modelled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information.  Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below are our responses to the next two selections – enjoy!

My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years now and have been living together for a year and a half.  I trust him and do not go through his phone, as many of my girlfriends do to their boyfriends and vice versa, but I have come across something on Facebook recently that has really upset me.  My boyfriend and I are listed as “In a relationship” with each other on Facebook, so when he writes on other peoples’ Walls it tends to show up in my Newsfeed.  Last week my boyfriend ‘liked’ and commented on a girl’s new profile picture, writing “Total babe!”  This girl is part of our extended group of friends, but I have never spoken to her myself and, to my knowledge, my boyfriend hasn’t either – she isn’t the type of friend that either of us would call up to go for dinner with, for example.  I was upset about this but didn’t want to mention it to my boyfriend because I thought he might think I was spying on him so I just left it.  Then, just two days ago, he did it again! This time he wrote “Long time no see! Looking gorgeous as ever!” on the Wall of a girl that he went to high school with – I’ve never met this person. 

It embarrasses me that he is cyber-flirting with other women and in such a public way – what if my brothers see this?!  Or worse, my parents, because they have Facebook too! Now I am tempted to check his personal Inbox Messages on Facebook, as well as go through his phone – I find myself completely losing trust in him.  How should I talk to him about this? Or should I just let it go? Am I overreacting? 

–  Fed up with the Facebook Flirting

Dear Fed up with the Facebook Flirting,

Hold on Sherlock! Going forensic on him might just backfire – emotionally generated inspecting is never a wise idea.  A calmer mind will generate a better plan, so it’s time to use that mindfulness based meditation and let the anger pass through you – watch it, breathe, and let’s look at a wiser way to go.

Who knew that Facebook Newsfeeds would be today’s version of Columbo?! There was a time when private investigators with long lensed cameras and trench coats were employed to unearth such behavior – now, with a click any burgeoning act of infidelity can be outed! It is a true sign of our virtual times.  Historically, if one flirted with someone no one would be the wiser unless done in front of a witness, but now Facebook not only bears witness but showcases cyber flirting for the world to see and thus opens up a whole new level of fidelity issues. More so, if you try to tackle this by posting a spiteful comment in return then you are only airing your dirty laundry and, however unfair, you will look like the bunny boiler (did you ever see Fatal Attraction?)  So, not a good idea. If you have a response written and waiting in your inbox to fire out, detonate it, don’t send it, it needs to be moved into your trash – now.

Unless your boyfriend is a techno dinosaur I would imagine that he would know that his comments are there for the world, and particularly you, to see. Going on this, then the transparency might assure you that although he may “look” and comment, he does not secretly “touch” as there are no secrets. Interestingly, it is you who is keeping the secret in not wanting to tell him that you know who he is “liking.” One might wonder: who needs to worry about trust in this relationship? Just saying…

Still, I do hear that you are hurt that he is making flirty comments to another gal – fair enough. I am also wondering if this behavior has caused a bit of jealousy to rear its ugly head in you. Jealousy is not a pretty emotion; it is usually based on insecurity. I am thinking that you may be fighting some feelings that you are not quite sure how to manage, and so, in an effort to try and strengthen your relationship, you may in fact be driving him away. Sometimes an impartial expert can help assist in sorting this all out (www.efap.ca).

If you are not going to tell him that you saw the “like” and did not like what he posted, then how will he have a chance to rectify it and how will you be able move past this? If you want to try to fix it, it would seem wise to have a conversation about your feelings and to also lay down some Facebook chatting etiquette rules that you, as a couple, are okay with. Talking it out may be a more effective way of managing this rather than turning into Ms. Marple.  If, after the conversation, you see that he is not the guy you thought he was and indeed is a techno gigolo, then I might suggest that you end your exposure to this Facebook faux pas and hit the delete button on him.

I love purses. They are a woman’s sign of design, position and power. I have Gucci and Prada.  I have Louie Vuitton and I am not afraid to spend money on them – so much so that I don’t have as much money left to put into them, truth be told, but to me that look of recognition from others is worth it. Recently a coworker teased me and sarcastically called me “The Privileged Purse Person.”  I did not like it. What should I do?

–  Proud Purse Person

Dear Proud Purse Person,

Well, prancing around with Prada on your arm or having Louie V hanging off your shoulder will indeed draw attention.  So, if this makes you proud and that is your mission – mission accomplished – but it is apparently having some fallout with some snide snickers. Is it worth it?  Needing recognition from others to the point of bankrupting yourself over something that is meant to store your wallet and keys may need a bit of a rethink. Brands can be indicators of power. If you are purchasing purses to match your mood du jour and attempting to grab attention and that look of envy – to convey the message that “I am better than you because I can afford this purse” – when we hear that you in fact cannot, then this is probably not wise. You are relaying a message that has no truthful foundation and is also estranging you from your colleagues. This false imaging is not a great idea – think of Kate Blanchette’s character in Blue Jasmine. She wore her Hermes bag and Chanel suit to appear better than her sister and also to falsely hook a man when she had no business conveying she was a woman of means. In fact, she was kind of a mean, entitled, and ultimately insecure woman. Well, it did come back to bite her and she lost her guy and her relationship with her sister.

If, on the other hand, you really want this purse, perhaps try to save for it bit by bit with each pay cheque and pay for it with cash so you have money left over to put into it.  Let your coworkers know that you love these purses and are going to work hard for them – then it would seem you could wear them with pride. Their snickers may be because they know that what you are trying to convey has no substance and is merely attention seeking. Still, the snickers are not nice, but easier to deal with if you can respond to them by letting your coworkers know that you are not privileged or “better” than them, but instead you just love high-end designer purses and are working hard to purchase one.  In this case, if you are looking for recognition from your coworkers to “ooh” and “aah” at the purses that you have saved for with hard earned money, then you go ahead and bask in that Burberry bag, baby! But if purse promenading is based on an untrue image, you may want to reconsider this plan as it may be conveying “phony” instead of “tony” and thus you may be left alone in the workplace, or on that park bench just like “blue” Jasmine.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.