Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modelled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below are our responses to the next two selections – enjoy!

My boyfriend is a musician. He is a bit of a wild child. He is sometimes not very nice to me and has been known to have the odd affair which I am supposed to accept, forgive, and at times even pay off. He also has been known to speak to me in an aggressive way. I have spoken to him about it and he really does not listen. I have been in these kinds of relationships before where I am taken advantage of and I can handle it. I know he loves me and so I put up with it because much of our time together is really fun. Last long weekend his band was playing in a biker bar north of nowhere. After the last set various substances were consumed and things I gather got out of hand. He and the boys pulled a 1970s “Keith Richards” move, of the noted Rolling Stones fame, and went psycho destroying the contents of their motel room. This is not the first time this has happened. The owners of the bar/motel that they stayed and played in did not pay them for the gig and on top of that are charging them for the damages. He, of course is broke, and has come crying to me to pay his share of the damages. I don’t think it is fair that he is always expecting me to clean up his messes. What do you think?
– Can’t Get No Satisfaction

Dear Can’t Get No Satisfaction,

Fun at whose expense? Keep your wallet in your pocket, girlfriend, and run for them there hills. In the words of Keith Richards – no “sympathy for [this] devil.” Time to get out from “under [his] thumb” and retire from being his “beast of burden.” Please then do get some supportive help in learning how to develop different non-abusive mate choices going forward (consider www.efap.ca). This will give you a far greater chance of “getting some [well deserved] satisfaction” and respect.

My neighbour’s dog always bites my dog and she never apologizes – ever. She doesn’t even acknowledge it. She storms into the lobby area to get her mail, all high and mighty with her vicious creature in tow, and as soon as her dog sees mine it beelines for her and bites her. My dog yelps in pain and my neighbour says an unconvincing “sorry.” My dog and I then have to deal with the bite and my neighbour saunters past us into the building as if nothing happened. This is what happens every single time I see her. I don’t know what to say to her – help!
– Pissed by the Pooch

Dear Pissed by the Pooch,

No one wants to have to deal with Cujo in their lobby. I am no dog whisperer, but dogs don’t usually just bite unless there is something to trigger it. I wonder how well Miss High-And-Mighty-Pet-Owner is treating her pup for the pup to want to bite yours. What to do? Well, let’s take a step back first. What do you want to see happen? Do you want the pooch to be evicted or its owner to be charged, or do you just want it to stop? If you want there to be a charge laid or an eviction then I would think that you would need to call both animal control and the non-emergency police department. This route may escalate the issue and will probably make reconciliation less likely.

If you just want it to stop then communication is probably the best route to go. This is probably best done at a time when neither of you are holding leashes with your dogs attached to them. It might also be accomplished by going to her apartment and leaving a note under the door. One might think that this is because you fear her, but it is actually a move that is respectful of her. When you send a note to someone you give them time to digest the content of the note. They can do it on their own time and then they can respond when they feel ready. It also preserves your integrity because clearly you are angry with her and we don’t want that to sabotage any possible solution.

In your note you need to let go of that anger (www.efap could help with this) and focus on solutions instead of accusations, as those won’t get you anywhere. Interestingly, anger is a secondary emotion; there is generally another emotion that is feeding it. In this case, my best guess it that you are hurt because she has never acknowledged that her dog has hurt your dog, and therefore has been disrespectful to you and to your pup. So, once you understand that you are dealing with hurt, rather than anger, it becomes more manageable to craft a solution.

I suggest starting low key in the note, something like:

I do appreciate that when our dogs meet up and yours nips or bites mine you always say sorry. We now need to move to a place where the biting no longer occurs. It is upsetting to both my dog and I. It has also rendered me some vet bills. I am not looking for any kind of compensation, just a solution. I am more than happy to discuss this with you to figure out some ways that this can occur. I want us to be able to find a way for our pups to get along. Thank you and I look forward to a fruitful discussion.

If she ignores this then you can always go ahead and lay a complaint to the landlord, animal control, and non-emergency police department. Another option is to keep treats in your purse and when this Hound of the Baskervilles next lunges at your pup you could plop out a treat to quell the beast. The owner may not like it, but you can chime in with “I tried sending you a letter and you never responded, so I either have to give him a treat to stop the biting or lay a formal complaint.” This may get her attention, but it is not my first choice. Communication is likely your best route because with it you are extending the preverbal olive branch – or in this case, dog stick – and that at least extends a possibility for resolution. If dogs can be (wo)man’s best friend, then it seems reasonable that two dog loving women could find some resolution in this.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.