Dear EFAP

Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modelled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below are our responses to the next two selections – enjoy!

My son is turning 18 and has just graduated from high school. I am a single mom and we live in a very small 2-bedroom apartment. My son is a great young man, he also has a part time job, but lately he has been staying out late to party with his friends. I worry where he is and who he’s with, and on top of this he comes home late at night and wakes me up because he has to walk by my room to get to his room. In the morning I am exhausted by it all and then the next night it starts all over again. What should I do?
– Wearied Working Mom

Dear Wearied Working Mom,
As parents, it is our job to coach our teens into responsibility and independence and it sounds like you have been doing a really great job on that front – congrats to you, Mom! And doing it all as a single Mom gets an extra high five, this is no easy task. Now that your son is entering into adulthood, he has developed the idea that he can come and go as he pleases. Of note, children between the ages of 17-23 often misread situations and therefore arrive at the wrong solutions, and this can cause them to make some unwise decisions. Interestingly, a child’s mind at 15 years old is not that different organically from their mind at 22 years old – just saying.

So, what to do? A discussion that involves 2 levels of agreement might be the best way to go. Included in the first level are the motherhood rules, the ones that we all learned in kindergarten but are fundamental: wash your hands, don’t abuse people, don’t steal, clean up after yourself, and don’t drink while underage – well, that last one probably came sometime after kindergarten, but you get my point. Once level 1 is clear, embarking on level 2 can be difficult but equally as important. Level 2 involves a kind of contract discussion, while also being frank with one another. You would need to lead this discussion, as it is your home, and try to list what’s acceptable, what’s not acceptable, and what is absolutely forbidden. A serious discussion, perhaps involving some negotiation, will allow both of you to share your perspectives and work out a solution before another problem reveals its ugly head. If you hit a snag in the road, I suggest talking to a trusted mentor or consider consulting with a Parent Coach at www.efap.ca. A quick tip that might help – think of your adult (or your on-the-verge-of-being-an-adult-child) as a guest, not a child, and ask yourself how you would handle the situation if they were a guest. If you would grin and bear with it until the guest leaves, well, good luck Rumpelstiltskin – you may be there for a while. Thinking of this issue in terms of how you would expect a guest to behave while in your house might help put things into perspective. Let’s take the curfew issue – you could, for instance, address this issue by saying “In my house, on week days, people have to be in at X time. On those nights when you do come in late, if you could please sleep on the couch near the door so as not to wake me. On weekends, we can both come and go as we like.” Another thing to ask of him might be to let you know, as a guest would, if he is not planning on coming home one night so you don’t stay up worrying. Establishing not only joint rules but joint practices on how they will be carried out will allow for a greater chance of moving from Wearied Working Mom to Cheery Working Mom.

I am the office coordinator at work – I make sure that everyone’s schedules line up, all of the office supplies are ordered, everyone has the tools they need to do their jobs, etc. I love my work, but overseeing the fridge contents is not in my job description and everyone seems to think that it is. Our office fridge looks like a lab experiment. There are all sorts of small containers that are growing what looks like exotic green fuzzy cultures – we may even have the cure to cancer growing in some abandoned Tupperware container, but no one would know because everyone ignores the problem. There are abandoned pieces of over ripe fruit and yogurt containers that I would not deign to open. There are wilted paper bags and rancid salad dressing bottles that expired sometime in 2010. I have asked people to please take responsibility for their own food and clean the fridge out on a monthly basis, but no takers. I am completely perplexed and frustrated; I have no idea what to do!
– Frustrated by the Fridge

Dear Frustrated by the Fridge,
You are not alone! We have had others write in about workplace fridge and kitchen frustrations. What I hear is that you have asked others to take responsibility, so in a sense you have taken this on – it has by omission become your responsibility. It sounds like you are organized, dependable, and enjoy a tidy, efficient workplace. It makes complete sense that you would be one of the folks, and perhaps the only one, who would notice the mounting mould and the rotting lunch leftovers. What should you do to fix this frightening fridge? Nothing. What should you do to help solve the problem? Arrange a team discussion.

During the team discussion, consider letting the group know that you will take the first step and throw out all of the decomposing dishes and all the festering food. At this time, it’s important to make clear that from that point forward you are not taking sole responsibility for this. It might be worth asking them, with your supervisor’s blessing, that unless they want the public health officers to condemn your work area they need to take responsibility and participate in coming up with a joint plan on how to tackle the issue. This could involve a schedule of who does what and when, as this has been known to work in some workplaces, but whatever the group decides upon it will be up to everyone to comply with it. If you see that others are falling off the fridge wagon and you pick up their slack, you will find that such enabling behaviour will lead you back to the same mouldy issue growing again. As you are not interested in usurping Louis Pasteur, it’s time to take a gentle stand and “resist the fridge”!