Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

Send us your questions

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to ac.pafe@pafe.raed. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below are our responses to the next two selections – enjoy!

I commute on the bus and SkyTrain to work every day and it stinks – in more ways than one. People are rude and many of them smell, it gets me all worked up and I arrive to work irritated. What can I do?
– Miffed by the Maleficent and Malodourous

Dear Miffed by the Maleficent and Malodorous,

Yes, it is indeed shocking that those who are able to wash and have the facilities (as sadly some do not, and I would therefore put them in another a category) choose not to do so and then think it perfectly fine to impose their stench freely on others. However, there are these creatures. A quick tip that flight attendants often use to deal with bad smells in a confined space is just before you enter a bus or SkyTrain put a dab of perfume right under your nostrils. This will allow you only to smell the nice odour of the scent of your choice, will prevent the less than hygienic odours to enter into your range of smell, and will allow you to arrive at work less irritated. People who are nasty and impolite in public probably have a ton of other issues that are making their lives miserable. If you can, each time you experience a rude episode, try to reframe it. Another thought might be to get off the bus a few stops earlier. This would rid you of the smell, allow you to get some exercise, and burn off any residual irritation before you enter your workplace.

I do everything around the house, I have teen boys and they do nothing – it is always me, Mom, picking up their clothes and various backpacks that are thrown around the house in a kind of teenage tantrum sort of way. Their rooms are a mess and their sports equipment is everywhere but on a hook or in a closet! Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, but is there any way that I can get them to help? I love a neat, tidy house, and seeing as they live in it with me is it not their role to also help take care of it?
– Troubled by my Teens

Dear Troubled by my Teens,

You bet your sweet broomstick it is part of their role to help take care of it, sister. So, I hear that you like a clean house and work hard to keep your place neat. My guess is that when the boys don’t clean up that you might be cleaning up after them. Is this maybe the case? I am thinkin’ probably. This then leaves you irritated and enables them to continue their behaviour. So, it’s time for a different strategy! They know you are going to clean up after them because their mess bugs you more than them, so here’s a suggestion – you could think of something that is really important to them to use as what we like to refer to as a “consequence item.” If you see a mess that needs their attention let them know that they have X amount of time (2 hours or some other reasonable time frame) to clean it up or fix it. If it is not done within that time frame then take the “consequence item” away from them (for example, the use of the car). This then allows you to jump in and clean it up after that time frame, and so will quell the Dirt Devils in your psyche and also lessen the resentment as there will be a consequence to them for not doing it. What might add to the success of this strategy is to reward them on the flip side, and so, if they do clean it up or fix it within the given time frame (and yes you can get an egg timer and set it to make it really clear) then you will give them a reward. This would truly reward the behaviour that you want to see continue.