Thank you to those who have written to “Dear EFAP” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below are our responses to the next two selections – enjoy!

 
Blackberries, Blackberries, Blackberries – they are everywhere. I find that whenever I deliver a presentation or attend a staff meeting everyone seems to be looking very intently at their crotches. Occasionally, they raise their heads and nod in affirmation, but I am feeling like very few have really heard a word that I, or others, have said. It feels disrespectful and kind of hurts – I feel like I have accumulated a few Blackberry bruises from the way that they have been used by colleagues in recent meetings. And, by the way, I am not above having done it myself. I want to tackle this in my team, but as my boss does it too I am just not sure where to start.
– Bruised by the Blackberry

Dear Bruised by the Blackberry,
It is difficult to imagine how our 2014 workplace etiquette appears to be developing a norm that it is indeed okay to snub people and not listen to them for the sake of this fruit-labeled device. Is it that at some level technology trumps manners? Is that what this evolving norm might be suggesting? I am not sure, but from a social norm point of view, it is interesting to see what this device is doing to our manners and I think we are going to hear more about this topic in years to come.

So, where to start? As your supervisor is also a culprit of this practice, I would think it might be best to start with a one-on-one conversation with that person in order to respectfully deal with the issue. Perhaps you could mention that you see a norm evolving within your team which you feel is not the most respectful practice. Identify what you have noticed and ask for their input. What do they think? Are they okay with it? If so, why? And if not, how might they suggest this best be brought forward to the team for discussion? If you start here, then you are being respectful to your supervisor’s role while also giving yourself more leverage in whatever joint strategy the two of you come up with to tackle this evolving norm. Sometimes teams declare and enforce a ‘Blackberry free zone’ during meetings, while others schedule Blackberry (or smartphone) breaks – similar to bathroom breaks – into their meetings (something about the timing and urgency that is likened to a pit stop, and that is perhaps worth another Dear EFAP article on its own) – while some teams decide it is indeed acceptable to type away while others are speaking! I would think that the place to start is to respectfully put the conversation forward with your leader.
I am really upset by my boyfriend’s Facebook page. There are all sorts of pictures on it with several scantily clad girls from some music festival that he went to. None of the pictures are lude, and he did tell me he was going, but I’m still jealous and I don’t know what to do. Help me, please!
– Galled by the Gals

Dear Galled by the Gals,
Worry not – you are not our first reader who has had jealousy issues initiated by Facebook postings, and to you I would say something similar to what I said to our past Facebook flirting reader – if he is posting them for the world to see, and you are a living member in this world, I would wager to guess he knows that you will see them and that they are just fine for you to see, therefore you probably don’t need to worry about these underdressed dolls. But, having said that, I am wondering why you weren’t at the concert with him? What is going on there? If you didn’t want to go with him because you didn’t like that particular music or happened to have other plans then that is one thing, but if he announced that he was going and didn’t extend an invitation to you then I would wonder why? It might be time to have a small check-in chat with him regarding your relationship. Remember – this is a check-in chat, not an opportunity to scold him and certainly not permission to sit down and have huge “heavies” on the turn of the dime. Not to self – if you are talking about your relationship more than simply enjoying your time in it, then that is not a good thing. So, keep the check-in light but authentic. If you happen to discover some bigger issues during your chat then there is help available at no cost (consider www.efap.ca). Communication is often the best treatment, and perhaps with a little bit more of it the next pictures he will post will be happy ones of the two of you!

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.