Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

Send us your questions

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below are our responses to the next two selections – enjoy!

I understand that World Mental Health Day is coming up, and so I got up the courage to write and say that I think that I am struggling with what Churchill called “the Black Dog of Depression.” It grows and it barks and it follows me everywhere – I don’t know how to shake it, please help me.
– Blindsided by the Black Dog of Depression

Dear Blindsided by the Black Dog of Depression,
We are here to help. You are not alone; we are good dog catchers here at EFAP. Congratulations on having the courage to reach out. “Black Dog” is a very apropos term for the feeling of depression. It indeed can feel like a wild ominously colored constant companion that growls and bares its razor-like teeth, and if not leashed it can snap and lunge and bite. But not to worry, every Black Dog has a collar.

So, in order to determine if you might be suffering from depression below are some symptoms of depression to look for. If you identify with several of the following signs and symptoms, and they just won’t go away, you may be suffering from depression and so may want to reach out for help.

 You have experienced sleep changes – either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).

 You can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult; trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.

 You have experienced feelings of helplessness and hopelessness; a bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.

 You can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try.

 You have experienced appetite or weight changes; significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.

 You have experienced anger or irritability – feeling agitated, restless, or even violent. Your tolerance level is low, your temper short, and everything and everyone gets on your nerves.

 You’re consuming more alcohol than normal or engaging in other reckless behaviors.

 You have thoughts that life is not worth living (seek help immediately if this is the case).

 You have experienced a loss of interest in daily activities – no interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.

 You have experienced loss of energy – feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.

 You have engaged in reckless behavior – escapist behavior such as substance abuse, compulsive gambling, reckless driving, or dangerous sports.

 You have experienced unexplained aches and pains – an increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain.*

Here is a link to the most wonderful animated video called: I had a black dog, his name was depression by Mathew Johnstone. It was coined on Churchill’s expression, as you mentioned, and I think you might find it helpful. It explains depression and how to recognize, manage, and treat it in a wonderfully accessible visual way.

At its worst, depression can be a frightening, debilitating condition. Millions of people around the world live with depression. Many are afraid to talk about their struggles, so good for you for bringing this forward. Depression is treatable and recognizing it and seeking help is the first and most critical step toward recovery. Remember that you are not alone; we can help you tame this beast.

*Reference: HelpGuide.Org

I am having an affair and I am feeling so pulled. Life with my partner would be safe and both financially and emotionally stable. My partner wants kids but I do not. Life with my lover would be fun and exciting. My lover has older kids and debt. I have no clue what I should do.
– Conflicted and Clueless

Dear Conflicted and Clueless,
First, I am sure you are conflicted, but I doubt very much that you are clueless. Who knew that that 1995 movie with Alicia Silverstone’s overindulged character that sported that infamous plaid miniskirt, and who is plagued by misguided decisions, would be the moniker that you’ve attached to your dilemma. I would wager to guess that there is a lot of thinking going on that is causing angst and anxiety but certainly not ignorance and unfortunate fashion choices. You just need a bit of support – so let’s see if I can help.

Juggling two relationships is not an easy task, what happens is that neither relationship gets a full “you” so it really isn’t possible to assess what a full relationship would be like because you are not having one. Leaving one person for another can also be loaded with lots of residual emotional and often financial fallout. If you are truly conflicted by the nature of your predicament it might be helpful to take some time out. Time out on your own and not in either relationship to explore what you want in life is a possibility that warrants careful consideration. Taking time away from a partner or even investing in a trial separation may allow you some breathing space to perhaps explore your options with a counsellor (consider www.efap.ca ). In taking some time to explore, you might also considering asking yourself: What are your hopes for a relationship? What are your dreams? What do you truly want? How are you feeling disappointed or resentful or excited and/ or energized? What do you want your later years to look like? When do you feel joy? Giving yourself some space to craft what you want may help you detangle the conflict and what feels like the pressure to choose.

I am thinking that things were probably lacking in your first relationship that may have prompted your choice to take on the second. Spending some time looking at what those things were, if they are fixable or if you even if want to attempt to fix them, while at the same time looking at what the second relationship has reawakened in you, may help you move from feeling conflicted to clear and from clueless to confident.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.