Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

Send us your questions

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below are our responses to the next two selections – enjoy!

Help! It’s Christmas and I have no cash. I have to buy presents for people but I have no money – my credit is almost maxed out too! I’m so stressed, what can I do?
– Cashless at Christmas

Dear Cashless at Christmas,

Rest assured that you are not the only one feeling the gap between what you feel obligated to give and what you can afford to give. Try spending a moment to reflect on what is driving that obligation. It may be that it is being driven by what you want them to think you have and are able to purchase instead of really what is going on. Although it’s about giving to others, this thinking is really more about you and it may have its roots in entitlement.

You are not alone, my friend, lots of folks in our western consumer driven world live this way but unfortunately the only place that this Kardashian-esque thinking will lead you to is heavy debt. It’s time to ditch this and get real! Believe me, those cute little “whatevers” at 40% off, with a 30% interest rate tagged on every month, are no bargain in the end. Not to fret – there are ways to get off this naughty list.

Debt is really rooted in dishonesty to oneself, and so the best way to get a handle on it is to start by being honest with yourself.

So, how to handle the Christmas cash crunch? You could just simply tell the truth, it is very freeing and it really can bring a little “Joy to” your personal “world.” Consider letting people know that things are tight. You could even go a step further and suggest creative experiential presents for the gift exchange this year, such as shoveling one’s sidewalk on a snow day, dinner for two at your home, a visit by the cleanup fairy (you) to help them attack their avoided but growing pile of junk, etc.

You can also suggest to just do “stockings,” sometimes all the little thoughtful things are what you and others often really love. Remember, people love you not your gifts, and if by chance I have that wrong and there is someone on your list that loves the gifts more, I would recommend that they come off the list forthwith.

The spirit of the holidays is about spending time with those you love, not getting fancy presents that create stress and angst. Remember, when the Grinch tried to steal Christmas by taking all of the gifts from Whoville it didn’t work. The Christmas spirit does not come in a package, it lives in our hearts, so time to channel your inner Cindy Lou Who, and rethink your gift strategy this year.

If you want to tackle that crushing credit card debt that is leaving you cashless, perhaps the Financial Literacy folks offered through EFAP (www.efap.com) can assist you. Tackling this might be the best gift you could give to yourself, and may allow you to have a stress less vs. cashless Christmas.

By the way, a cashless Christmas does not mean a Christmas without gifts; it just means that the types of gifts you give shift to being from the heart and not the cash register. Happy Holidays!

I have a friend who I have known for the last four years. I have become increasingly aware that she frequently lies. Earlier on in our relationship, I was sometimes suspicious but always gave her the benefit of the doubt. But now I am more than confident that frequently the stories just don’t add up.

What’s strange is that, most often (but not always), the lies seem so unnecessary and don’t seem to be for any type personal gain, aside from maybe a feeling of power in the ability to trick others??? I am just guessing. The lies often include stories or inaccurate facts about things that she has done in the past. If I didn’t know her so well, I would very much believe her. It’s just over time she claims to have done so many different things the stories aren’t adding up. Sometimes it takes me the day after to recall the conversation, do the working out in my head and realize some information cannot be true. I seem to be ‘tricked’ in the moment. I wonder if I am being too nice, but it also feels unnatural to quiz an adult on every piece of information they are conveying.

           Worryingly, yesterday I caught her lying about how much she had spent on some drinks that she had offered to purchase when we went out socially after work. I saw the receipt and she was a few dollars out.

I am also aware that she sometimes steals inexpensive items from shops – another piece of evidence of dishonest behaviour. What I cannot get my head around, is that she is also a very caring and giving person. I am so confused. Should I confront this? It just seems so big. I don’t know what to do.
– Anonymous: Disturbed by the Deceit and Confused about Confronting

Dear Disturbed by the Deceit and Confused about Confronting,

I hear your distress. This is a tough one because if you do confront her you may risk losing the friendship. The flip side of this is whether or not you really have a friendship if the foundation of it is built on lies. So, I looked up what the big philosophical thinkers had to say on this one:

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”
~Friedrich Nietzsche

“Liars when they speak the truth are not believed”
~Aristotle

So, whatever you do decide to do, the big thinkers seem to suggest that you may have to now question many things that this person has ever said to you. If you can live with that, accept them for what they are, know that they lie, and be okay with it, then I would suggest saying nothing is the way to go. But, I would hazard to guess this is not the way you want to go as you are struggling with it and hence wrote to Dear EFAP for some input.

So, what’s another way to go? In the story that you relayed above, I see lots of red flags. The person you describe may have some serious issues. Often people who feel they have to lie over and over again for no real good reason save for their own protection, to make themselves look better, or for social gain may have more serious psychological issues going on. It would be unprofessional to speculate exactly what those issues are without meeting with the person in question, but suffice to say that there are enough red flags to suggest that something may be afoot.

People can lie to create a sense of identity so that you will see them in a certain way because they do not like who they really are. The problem with this is, as Abraham Lincoln said, “No Man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.” People who lie usually trip up and expose themselves and that appears to be what your friend has done, and hence you smell a rat. Liars can also lie to maintain self-esteem as their abilities and accomplishments may have fallen short in their eyes and have left them feeling inferior, and so they lie to compensate.

What was more disturbing to read was the stealing that this person does on top of the lying. Stealing is not just dishonest behavior – it is illegal and so it ramps up the whole issue. Kleptomania is a condition where a person often steals without forethought, regardless of the need for an object. I am not saying that your friend has this condition, but there are signs; a common theme in those who shoplift is the acute sense of deprivation that they feel, whether or not money is scarce, and it sounds like in your friend’s case money may not be abundant but it is also not scarce. People who steal from this place can have a feeling of “I’ve been taken from” and stealing, or lying as lying really is just stealing the truth, are acts that can bring a momentary sense of relief and for a few minutes these people feel like their life is fair again. This is only a theory that I offer for your consideration, but it is a plausible one after reading the flags noted in your story. For a true diagnosis a trained therapist would have to work with the person directly.

I’m also not surprised that you describe this person as caring and giving. It sounds to me like they do indeed care about others, want to very much be liked and included, but do not feel very worthy for reasons we do not know. As a result, this person engages in lying and stealing as a kind of compensatory mechanism. They also forget that “others,” like yourself, are smart and remember the little trip ups, and so they may not know just how much they have exposed themselves.

So, what to do? You have a choice: with love, you can say that you have noticed that some of their stories contradict each other and that they do not have to embellish things because you, as a true friend, accept them for who they truly are. This is a risk because their shame may be bigger than your friendship and may lead them to run to the hills, potentially ending the friendship. Also, you will need to rebuild your trust in them because you have been lied to, and that might take some time. Another option is that you could distance yourself from them – move this friend to ‘acquaintance’ status. You know that many things that they say are not true and so you may not want to invest your trust in them, knowing the severe cracks in their fault lines in this area. This would allow you to regain your own footing as your expectations of this friend would be less and therefore you would not be as caught up in, or affected by, the times when the lies surface. Finally, you could end the friendship – this can be done kindly but sometimes enough is enough.

Because this is a bit tricky, and there are a few layers to navigate, please know that EFAP www.efap.ca is here to help if you want to discuss this confidentially before you make your decision. Trust your gut – it sounds like you have a good one.

The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.