Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below are our responses to the next two selections – enjoy!
Bah Humbug – there is too much cheer around. It seems like everyone is jolly and humming carols or other festive songs that honour whatever darn holiday celebration they call their own. An overabundance of chocolates and holiday cookies seem to be adorning office kitchen areas and everyone is smiling – I don’t like any of it. These holiday happy people expect us all to be swept up in their merriment, but I just want to be left alone. Any strategies that you might suggest for me to be able to accomplish this?
– Scrooge

Dear Scrooge,
So, Ebenezer, is this gig really working for you? I’m not so sure, but as you are saying that this is what you want to do, let’s go with that. The holidays are about being happy, and so if being alone and on your own is truly what makes you happy then fill your boots, my friend. Stand up to the bells and bob tails, Christmas goodies and goodwill and head home alone to your solitary spot, kick back, and enjoy. It seems that the irritation you are feeling may be because you are letting what others think about the holidays effect what you think. If you do not like the candy cane infused cheeriness that you see and hear and wish to be a solo Santa then you will have to truly shift your thinking on the whole holiday thing. How? Well, telling yourself firmly something like “they know not what they miss” and that being alone brings you great joy will directly influence the way that you feel about it and in turn about the festive folk currently triggering your Ebenezer attitude. If you believe in something strongly and tell yourself so, then what others have to say or do will not affect you as much. Telling ourselves what to think completely sets the course on how we feel, so if you tell yourself that yours is the best way for you and are truly happy about it then you will be more able to unhook from the humbug and revel in reframing it as relaxed solitude.

However, Scrooge, is this really the case? Here is where the ghost of Christmas past and the Tiny Tim moment come in to play. If your Bah Humbug belief stems from needing to mask an embedded holiday hurt then it might be time to let go of it. I’m not sure that this Christmas with the Kranks attitude is helping you (after all, in that movie they were just going to go on a cruise because they were hurt that their daughter was not coming home for Christmas, and when she did in the end return avec her man they stayed and, wouldn’t you know, they even gave their cruise tickets to the grumpy neighbour and his ill wife…just saying). So it could be time to consider another way to experience the holiday season. One way to move out of a solitary celebration mode and into one that involves others is to offer your service. There are Christmas lunches that need to be served and warm clothes to be given to those less fortunate happening all over town throughout the holidays. I also understand that there is a Christmas angel who works at VCH who does this in the downtown eastside on Christmas morning and I am sure she, or others like her, would welcome some help (call EFAP for details if you are interested). So, if hurt is driving the humbug know that talking with someone or helping someone can in fact help you. When we help others, we step outside of ourselves – when we do a small bit to make life a bit easier for someone else, it not only helps them but it heals us.

You know, there is humanity in the word humbug that is not always evident. Whatever you decide to do take some time to think about it, let it be what you truly need and what you truly want. Happy holidays, my friend.
I am so excited – I am in a new relationship and we have just hit the 3 week mark. He said the “L” word to me, casually but hey, he said it, and I am over the moon. I haven’t told my friends yet as I don’t want to jinx it but I think that this is “the one.” As we are newly together though, and it is Christmas, I have no idea at all what is appropriate to give as a gift. Help! I don’t want to blow it.
– Panicked by the Present Possibilities

Dear Panicked by the Present Possibilities,
Assuming the “L” word does not stand for liverwurst, it sounds like things are moving ahead nicely in your new relationship. But slow down girlfriend; don’t go booking the church yet! There are a quite a few more things to navigate before you can settle into a committed fulltime boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Things are looking good but you are not there yet. What to get him? Well, at the risk of sounding crass, gifts at this stage can be looked at in kind of a formulaic way. There needs to be the proper balance between time in the relationship and cost of the gift – let me explain. If you are not exclusive yet then I would suggest no gift and maybe a card to show that you are interested in him but not overly invested. A suggestion of a home cooked dinner on the card can be a nice touch, but only if you are seeing him more than once a week. If you are only seeing him once a week then I think the L word you mentioned may not have meant what you hoped it meant. Many Brits say “Luv” after almost every hello to a person of the female gender, and when that happens those females don’t get all gushy. So, if he is British I would not hang your hat on the “L” word utterance and really listen and learn how your guy uses that word as this will let you in on what he meant by it. And, if when you asked about exclusivity you got a sounding “Yes of course, pumpkin” (candy, vegetable, and animal nick names are another good sign, i.e. kitten, sweetie, babe) then things are looking even better. And take heed; if there has not yet been a “defining the relationship talk” between the two of you then tread softly. Steer away from $$$ on the gift and head straight to cute and fun. Don’t let your anxiety, excitement and credit card sabotage things.

By the way, there are a few big no no naughty list items: no gifts from exclusive stores that have preppy sounding Family names with gift boxes filled with fine tissue and satin bows that you cannot afford. For now, also avoid practical. Practical suggests that you have been together a long time, while a slow cooker might be OK 4 years in, it is not good 4 dates in or even 4 months in. Really, in my humble opinion, appliances for Christmas at any time are a real buzz kill and should be avoided. Also, anything with a large price tag without the large relationship to go with it, which you do not have yet, might suggest neediness and so you want to steer way clear of that. A cute selfie of you sent to him on his phone is okay (and make sure it is one that your Granny could view as you never know where those shots can end up!) but a framed picture of you is too “Kardashian-hey-look-at-me,” and so a no go. Experiences like a dinner out, concert tickets, a reading by his favourite author, or an evening at a comedy club can go over really well. In a relaxed way, it suggests in “we are having fun getting to know each other, so let’s do more of it.” This sends the right kind of message and gives the relationship the chance to grow. It also won’t make you feel silly if he doesn’t give you anything because it just suggests a date, and as you are dating that is cool. So, Merry Christmas, girlfriend, and keep me posted.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.