Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

Send us your questions

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below are our responses to the next two selections – enjoy!
So, he did the right thing – he bought me an engagement ring for Christmas! But, the problem is I don’t like it. It isn’t big enough and I just don’t feel that I can wear it for the rest of my life. I feel terrible, what should I do?
– Disappointed by the Diamond

Dear Disappointed by the Diamond,
Oh my my, well, congratulations are in order – I guess – but I am not hearing the celebratory feelings that usually accompany receiving a diamond. If I am reading what you wrote correctly, you say the issue you are having with the ring is that it is not big enough? Well, I think that this might be raising another issue as it may be all the ring that he can afford. If you are having a problem with this then it may be time for you to really ask yourself if you truly want to marry him. It may sound material, but if he cannot give you what you want and what you expect then you may have to rethink either your partner or your expectations.

I am of a mind that if a man or woman is going to ask their partner to get married then it would be wise to have a really clear idea of what he/she might like in the way of a ring before a large purchase like that is made. If you have no clue and you still want to pop the question with the full surprise element then something like a wrapped ring toss and 1 wilted carrot wrapped in a box can be fun. This is especially great as the non-suspecting bride-to-be will in no way think that the big box you are presenting him/her with is actually a ring box, representative of a 1 carat (carrot) diamond ring (ring toss). By the way, if ones goes this route then the presentation should come along with a card indicating an appointment at the little blue box store (or the like), but I digress – back to your question.

So, I think talking with him about the style issue is an important conversation and a doable one. Let’s hope that he did not buy it at Bugtustle Jewellers or off the back of a truck where there is no exchange policy! Letting him know how much you love him and can hardly wait to spend the rest of your life with him but that the ring style is not what you had always dreamed of is very understandable and can be done with grace. If, though, he has bought you the pinhead diamond and you want the honking 2 karat bling ring….well this is not a style issue, girlfriend, this is a bank account issue. In the end, whatever you wear should generate great feelings for you both, so be honest with yourself first about this potential mate and then about the ring – then do him the courtesy of being honest with him. If he cannot give you want you really want and you are going to be resentful then it may be time to realize that the disappointment that you are feeling may be a projection onto the diamond and that he may not be the “one.” Think carefully and proceed accordingly.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.