Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

Send us your questions

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below are our responses to the next two selections – enjoy!

I read the Bah Humbug article you posted pre-Christmas and man, could I relate! I too wanted nothing to do with the holiday cheer. Everyone seemed to be walking around in a kind of Rudolph-infused-expect-me-to-take-care- of-them-mood. I admit that I do let others take advantage of me, and I give and give and give to my patients who are often very ill or in some cases dying. I have done so for many years, and then come Christmas time there is nothing left for me except short tempered bitterness and anger. I am now left with feeling like Scrooge when years ago I always felt like the quintessential “Care Bear.” What can I do to change this attitude?
– Lost my Care “Bearings”

Dear Lost my Care “Bearings,”
Firstly, thank you for your big heart and your great service. It sounds like you care about your patients and VCH is lucky to have such a dedicated employee. Where it sounds like you get into trouble, though, is in knowing where your boundary lines need to be drawn.

The irritable behaviour that you are describing could be many things, but what really seems to fit is that it could be associated with Compassion Fatigue. Compassion Fatigue is the emotional residue that one is left with after taking care of others who are suffering – it is the effect of their experiences on you. It can be a form of secondary post-traumatic stress – the more we give, the more it can affect us. As you mentioned, you have been at this job for many years and so it may well be that some of the caring at the expense of yourself has caught up with you.

Not to worry, there is hope on the horizon and we can definitely look at ways to take back the care bear in you, but this time with some better defined boundaries. Start by imagining if you took as good care of yourself as you do all of your patients. If that was the case then I would hazard to guess that some of your short tempered bitterness and anger would have a chance to subside. To get you started on the path back to you, you might want to consider EFAP’s new “Taking Care of me Series.” There is a super Compassion Fatigue seminar in the series that I suggest you think about attending. It might help you to understand how some of the behaviours that you are exhibiting could be rooted in Compassion Fatigue.

In the meantime, and as simple as it sounds, try going for a walk – it really is that easy and it really is that helpful. It indicates a clear message that you are stepping away from work for a bit to take care of yourself. Try reflecting on your work/life balance and if it is seriously out of whack think of getting some counselling help or assistance from some of EFAP’s new wellness services. There are coaching services offered through this program at no cost to you that could really help you recalibrate and set some goals that would be specifically about you and for you, for a change.

Perhaps you could also look at asking questions in a more contained way. When we ask someone “How are you?” we are opening the flood gates to hear all of their distress. But, when we ask someone, “How are you today?” we get a much more contained answer that is easier on us and still very respectful of our patients.

Try considering some of these things, they may help you to lose some of the fatigue and bring back the compassion. With more energy, your anger may lessen as well as the irritation that accompanies this anger. You may just find that your inner Ebenezer has shifted from the Bah Humbug attitude to the enlightened Scrooge of Christmas morning following his visits with the three Ghosts of Christmas.