Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!
I have a friend, or at least I think that she is a friend. She has been in my life forever and although we do get together for lunch and go out occasionally, the bulk of our association has been that for years she has called me whenever her latest catastrophe has hit. Believe me, she has had many, and so the number of calls that I play armchair psychologist on are plentiful. I might not mind it as much if she ever really asked about me. Sometimes she does, in a cursory sort of fashion, but most times she does not and just continues spewing about her latest problem. Last year I got up the courage twice to let her know that if she wanted to continue to be my friend she had to make room for me in the friendship, ask about me, listen to my woes every once in a while, and maybe respond to my needs a bit more in the way that I have responded to hers for all these years. Both times I did it, she agreed with a kind of “Yeah yeah, of course honey, next time” and then she got right back into the story she was telling. So, I have recently heard through the grapevine that her latest flame has fizzled and dumped our “darling” due to her selfishness – are we surprised? Anyway, I know any moment she will be calling expecting me to fall in line, listen for many hours about how wronged she was, and counsel accordingly. I just don’t want to do it anymore – what should I do?
– Reluctant Armchair Psychologist

Dear Reluctant Armchair Psychologist,
Friendships are about give and take and clearly Ms. It’s-All-About-Me is leaning on the take side of this balance. Good for you for having the courage to put your needs on the table twice no less, in an open way. It gave her the chance to flip her behaviour but sadly and not surprisingly she could not hear it. Sometimes friendships run their course, so what should you do? Next time strongly consider letting the call go to voicemail – forever – and use the energy that you save to go out and find a new friend who understands the meaning of give and take. You are worth it!

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.