Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!
I am 30, have a Bachelor’s degree in criminology and a diploma as a unit clerk. My boyfriend is 34 and has a grade 11 education. He is also divorced and has 3 children from two different women. We have been together since May 2013. The relationship came on strong and burned hot like a raging fire. We were very compatible, we talked about everything. He is American and lives in Seattle.

We went on many excursions, and I “had to pass tests” – camping, hiking, etc. He picked on me and it was playful, although sometimes it came across as mean (“you’re just my weekend girlfriend”).

We talked on Skype every single night. We went on our first vacation in August, 2013, for a long weekend trip. We spent holidays together, and every single weekend I would go down to Seattle on the bus to see him. In December, 2013, we looked at engagement and wedding rings.

In Feb 2014 he lost his job, put his stuff in storage, and came to Canada. We went to South East Asia for six weeks in April/May 2014 – he called it “the ultimate relationship test.” He joked that maybe we’d come back married or engaged, but that’s where things took a turn. He started being cold, wouldn’t smile in pictures, wouldn’t hold my hand, acted like I was his friend rather than his girlfriend. The physical and emotional intimacy seemed to screech to a halt.

We came home to Canada in the end of May and he didn’t have a job so he stayed living with me. I paid for everything, did all of the housework – everything. I even paid a lot of his bills. I looked into immigration lawyers but he wouldn’t come with me to any appointments.

He started finally looking for work in August, 2014, and in September he had a job offer contingent on him buying a car, so I lent him $3500. He bought me a new golf bag and joked that there might be a ring in there, and when there wasn’t one I got upset and cried. He got mad and yelled at me to stop pressuring him. By November I was resentful, I told him I couldn’t afford to keep helping him, so he left. That’s when he started calling me fat and telling me that I should be a size 2 and 110 lbs. with a thigh gap – I was a size 6 and 143 lbs. but am now a size 4 and 132 lbs. He says I’ve let myself go. We had a talk about it and I always say how I feel, so he resorted to name calling and neglecting me. Now he doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t video chat with me, and when we do talk I get one word answers.

I am so lost and hurt, I feel like I am unloved. I love myself, but don’t know how much I can take. Do I just walk away, and be out $9000? Or do I stick with him through this tough time?
– T.

Dear T.,
Well honey, my first reaction is get into that little car of his that you paid for and drive off into the sunset. You sound like a very kind and supportive woman, and based on your story this man does not sound like he truly cares about you. He also sounds like a bit of a serial marital partner. When he gets bored of the current wife or serious girlfriend he then moves on to the next one. Likely if this were to work out he might do that kind of behavior again – it tends to repeat itself. To be quite frank and 100% supportive to you, I am glad that you don’t have to worry about a child in the mix with this fellow.

I do understand that he owes you money and quite a lot of it. Why do we always have to learn lessons the hard way and often the most expensive way? I’m wondering if there was any agreement or paperwork between you when you lent him the money. Was there ever any discussion on how he would pay it back? If so, it might be a good time to have a chat with him about those terms. If not, well that is trickier. You could consider getting some legal advice on this (consider www.efap.ca and ask to be set up with a consult with a lawyer on how best to navigate a cross border repayment situation). But if there is nothing, it could be considered a gift and much harder to claim back.

It sounds like there have been many phases to this relationship from burning-fire-can’t-get-enough-of-each-other, to crying-in-my post vacation-ringless- golf-bag, to now maybe dousing what is left with a hefty bucket full of support from someone who cares about you. This is hard to navigate, and you do not have to do this alone. There is confidential, free therapeutic support available to you with a counsellor to help you sort this out.

Do you really want to be married to and raise a family with a man who does not talk to you, calls you names, and no longer seems to adore you? You are 30, have a great job, and have the clear ability to save money – and good on you for that as many your age find that very hard to do! You also have a good head on your shoulders, but it sounds like a bruised heart right now as well. At this stage if you were to leave, and I know that that sounds tough, you have lots of time to find someone else and have the ring and the subsequent family that it sounds like you want. If you continue to tag along with this unsatisfying relationship, one morning you may wake up and realize that your ship has sailed.

Remember that old saying: If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it was yours and if it doesn’t it never really was. I might suggest voluntarily getting off this ship and looking for another one in warmer, kinder, waters. You deserve it. And you know, if you do leave and he comes running back with ring in hand, money in his pocket, sincere apologies and demonstrated actions of love, well then stepping up for yourself may have brought the change you wanted to see in him in the first place. Either way you win on that one – with him as a changed man or you with a new man.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.