Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

I’m divorced and recently my new guy dumped me. I’m not getting any younger and he, once again as I gather he does this, has replaced me with a younger woman and I am left alone. I find myself crying in my self-pity pot. All I want to do is hide under my covers, binge watch old “Friends” episodes on Netflix, inhale ice cream and devour all manner of carbohydrates. Help me please.
– Broken Up By the Break Up

Dear Broken Up By the Break Up,
Break ups are never easy – especially when it isn’t your choice. I sometimes wonder if the profit generating side of Haagen Dazs has some sort of secret plot that fast tracks people to break up. All I know is that there have been a few times, and more than a few people I have known, that upon hearing the “B” word head straight to that little brown and white container of sugar charged relief. Does it help? Honestly – yes, but only for a few minutes. Then you are left still broken up but now with additional poundage and sometimes even a few extra pimples thrown in for good measure, and that is not a pretty sight. So, girlfriend, duct tape the freezer door and stick a photo on the front of it of you looking like a million bucks as a reminder that that type of relief is not the wisest way to go.

What does one do instead? Crying is okay for a bit. Perhaps one season of binge TV watching and one pint sized ice cream indulgence are all well within a range of normal – moderation is the way to go here. It’s when we refuse to get out of bed, head for the Costco sized gallon of dessert and watch all 10 seasons of “Friends” in a row that the alert bells go off. And you, my friend, sound like you are heading that way. So, let’s see what we might be able to do to help.

When one is traded in for a younger, shinier version that is less gravity affected, it affects our ego. It seems to suggest to us that somehow we are not good enough. This kind of loss affects our self-esteem, self-importance, self-worth, self-respect, self-image and self-confidence. The Freudians believe that the ego is the part of our mind that mediates between the conscious and unconscious, and that it’s responsible for our sense of personal identity. When someone who you have cared about deeply leaves you for what feels to you like something better, it affects our sense of personal identity – it can be a real blow to our ego. When we’re first struck it’s not unlike a grief reaction: we become kind of side swiped, and it takes a bit of time to move through this initial reaction. The good news is that one does move through it. To therapeutically assist you in this journey consider calling EFAP (1-800-505-4929).

Additionally, and only when you’re feeling up to it, it is always good to review your piece in a break up. Consider what went well? What did not? What are behaviours that you don’t want to repeat? What are those that you are proud of? Owning your own stuff will just make the next relationship better.

As for him, well, men who serially dump women for younger versions are often insecure and compensating for their own fears and losses – loss of their own youth, loss of time to indulge in lighter, more frivolous relationships, loss of their machismo – to mention but a few. I’m not saying that these were your ex’s issues, but suffice it to say that if he has done this a few times then he’ll likely do it again, and although it sure does not feel like it now, you will be glad that you never permanently hitched your horse to that wagon. I know you’re not there yet, but with time and a little patience you will be.

For now, encouraging yourself to get out for a walk is a healthy way to discharge some of the hurt you’re feeling. Getting out in the sun enhances our serotonin and reduces our cortisol levels, which naturally makes us feel better. Reaching out to a therapist, or a friend, or relative who accepts you for you without having to edit or explain can also feel supportive. Thinking about something to look forward to and setting a goal towards that can additionally help you move away from the self-pity place to the empowered self-healing place. It isn’t an easy road and that is why the music industry has made several billion dollars on songs about breaking up. Heck – the whole country music industry would not be here today if people stayed together! So, know that you are not alone – you will get to the other side, just give your heart and your ego a chance to heal.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.