Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

Send us questions

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

I’m embarrassed to say that I’m suffering from a terrible crush on a girl in my office. She’s just down the hall. We work in the same VCH department and I see her every day. Pure torture. She’s about ten years younger than me, single. She goes on quite a few dates, but never seems to have a boyfriend. I’m sure she has no idea about my feelings about her. We talk all the time and have some shared interests, but I’m sure she’s not crushing on me like I am on her. The thing is it just snuck up on me. Did NOT see this coming! I’ve known her for a few years, but only in the last few months has she gotten under my skin. When I first met her I thought she was kind of… well… bitchy. A little overly sensitive maybe. A little black and white. A little arrogant, or is it insecurity in disguise? She’s brash and quick to react to things. But as I’ve gotten to know her, I’ve learned what a sweetie she actually is and that all that stuff is some kind of armour to protect her soft gooey centre. She’s so smart and funny. She is incredibly thoughtful and sweet. Like really sweet. She’s vulnerable and imperfect and a little messed up and all of that just makes her completely irresistible. At least to me. It’s got to the point where I’m kind of distracted at work. Away from work too sometimes. How does this happen to a middle-aged man?! The subject of my mid-life crush is now making occasional appearances in my dreams. Yes. My dreams. Sigh. But wait. It gets better. Or worse. I have a girlfriend already who I really care about and who I’ve lived with for a couple of years now! I know. I feel like an idiot and I just want it to all go away. But how? What can I do to get out of this ridiculous crush?
– Crushed

Dear Crushed,
“Crush” is such a great descriptive word – it describes a feeling of total captivation and a sense of inebriation. But, my friend, it also suggests that if you wander into this water without wisdom you may get crushed, so let’s unpack it with caution. I know, a crush handled carefully sounds oxymoronic, but I think that’s what is called for in this situation.

The joy that comes across when you write about this woman leaps off the page, and I might use the word “smitten” as an apt descriptor of you. I can see that you do in fact really care about your coworker, and yet there’s another person in the picture that you also care about – tricky. Continuing to wonder about possibilities with your coworker isn’t fair to your girlfriend, but staying silent about your crush and staying with your girlfriend isn’t fair to you either. It sounds like, at the very least, you’re already having a bit of an emotional relationship with this coworker – what I mean by that is that you aren’t fully engaged in your current relationship.

If you did approach your coveted coworker and she declined your affection, would you continue your relationship with your girlfriend, as is? Or, is the fact that you are so enamoured with someone else a suggestion that although you care about your current mate, there may be trouble in paradise? Would you only want to leave your current relationship if the crush is mutual? You have asked me about the “crush”ed-on coworker, but in properly answering you I can’t help but bring your present partner into the picture.

Right now, neither relationship is getting the best you. Your current gal is getting a person who is imaginarily loving on someone else, and your crush has no clue, so she’s missing the attention of a great guy who thinks she is pretty awesome. Well, frankly, as we girls pick up on this stuff, I’m thinking that she (the crush) may have some clue.

What to do next? I think you really have to look inside, ask yourself, “How would I feel if I did not check out this opportunity?” If the answer is “I wouldn’t feel right, I have to check it out,” then this may help guide you in next steps. If, though, the answer is “It’s fun but that’s all it is and it will wane,” that might also direct you in which way to go. But, if the crush won out in the answer to the above questions, you may want to think about telling your current partner that you’re finding yourself distracted by the possibility of another relationship and that you both need time and space to think about your futures, and this may require a trial separation. Honesty is key in this matter, and checking out something new while in another relationship can ruin any potential new relationship because its very beginning is routed in distrust. If, after time and space to reflect, you choose to move forward with your current partner, your relationship will be stronger for it. If you choose to end your current relationship, you will have done so with dignity, not distrust.

You might also want to let your coworker know that you are in a trial separation if you choose to explore any potential opportunity with her. This is far more ethical than trying to check something out on the sly – if you try the latter you’ll disrespect all involved. You sound like a kind and caring man, and for what it’s worth, I think that this crush is a sign that before you go down that road you may need to look in your own backyard first. Take care and know that we are here to help.

* * *
The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.