Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

We want your questions

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

 
I have been advised by my manager that I have an upcoming meeting with HR about disrespectful behaviour in the workplace – it turns out that someone has made a complaint about me. At this point I have no idea who has said what and I’m feeling really overwhelmed about the whole thing. I look around at my colleagues and wonder who I have upset. I have so many what-ifs and what now’s buzzing around my mind and I literally feel like I’m going to throw up. What if HR believes I’m a bully?

According to my manager I will have my many questions answered in the meeting but that’s not helping me right now. I’m worried that all this tension is going to build to such a height that when I do speak with HR I may say the wrong thing because I’m feeling so stressed. What if I babble and stumble on my words (much like I’m doing now)? I don’t know what to do. Any words of wisdom for me, Dear EFAP?
– Literally Sweating The Meeting (Big Time)

Dear Literally Sweating The Meeting (Big Time),
Okay, first of all breathe – take a big deep breath in (make sure your tummy goes out while you breathe in), hold for 5 seconds, then a big deep breath out. This kind of breathing relaxes you so that you can bring your best self to the upcoming meeting. Discussions involving behavioural concerns can be challenging but they’re necessary, and in the end they can be very helpful. I do hear your anxiety and I do understand it – a few overactive sweat glands are certainly not uncommon in these situations. Not knowing who has said what is also not easy, so best to just proceed slow. Paranoia is not going to help here, but support and information will.

There are a few things you may choose to consider doing in preparation for this upcoming conversation. It might be helpful to take a look at the respectful workplace policy (it can be found on the intranet). Reviewing it will not only allow you to familiarize yourself with the policy but it will also give you an opportunity to self-assess whether you think you have engaged in some disrespectful behavior. If you think you may have, then it will give you some time to consider changes you might make in the future.

The goal of the first meeting in these situations is to gather information and perspective, and not to worry, you will have an opportunity to tell your side of the story. If you babble and stumble over your words that’s okay, believe me you won’t be the first. Nerves come up in these situations, so if you need to take a time out during the meeting to calm yourself or collect your thoughts just ask for one.

If you learn that a formal complaint has been brought against you, remember that the concerns noted in it are about your behaviours, not you as a person. Listen to the details carefully, and following the meeting take some time to reflect on what has been shared. Try not to simply dismiss the complaint out of hand. This can be challenging to do, so please know that you can call the No-Bully hotline and they can help you through this (18446628559). Perhaps there are some behaviours that need addressing, perhaps there aren’t. If the complaint is found to be erroneous, then the person who has made the unfounded complaint will be dealt with accordingly. If, though, it is found to be true then you will have time to ask questions and seek appropriate support. Either way, rest assured that the investigation into the complaint will be fair and thorough.

Please know that you are not alone in trying to manage this. The No-Bully hotline folks can provide you with the opportunity to confidentially debrief and assist you in looking at options, both pre or post the meeting. They offer support and referrals to our employees who are experiencing disrespectful behaviour, witnessing it, or are accused of it.

As for words of wisdom …if it’s possible, consider talking with someone about how you’re feeling. Speaking out loud to a trusted person about your concerns and fears can reduce some of the power and intensity of these emotions that can show up and hoodwink you in the moment. When in the meeting, try to listen non-defensively, ask for time to digest the information and then carefully consider your options. Bring your composure and wisdom with you and leave any festering frustration, irritation or impulsivity in the hallway – they won’t help you here. Turn reactivity into proactivity. Focus not on what’s right or wrong, but on what is true. If you can bring a calmer, clearer self to this conversation it will likely go better.

This meeting may be tough, but remember, with it comes the chance to improve whatever situation is currently going on. Remember sweating is the body’s mechanism for keeping us cool, and in this situation, my friend, cooler heads will prevail.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.