Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

 
It’s summer and I’m supposed to feel happy, but I’m not. My boyfriend left me, prefacing the break-up with the old saying “it’s not you it’s me.” I guess upon reflection he was kind of a jerk, and hence the abrupt sianara is not totally unexpected, but it still hurts. I’m not sure if it’s more my broken heart or my bruised ego – heck it’s probably both. So now I sit here, all Bridget Jones-like, alone and crying in my cheerios. I see groups of people walking together and laughing, I see couples giggling and all I want to do is cry. I can’t concentrate on my work and I’m now a regular at the local bakery and liquor store, and believe me, that is not a good combo. Please help me!
– Dumped and Desperate

Dear Dumped and Desperate,
Hey girlfriend, I feel your pain. No matter how much of a jerk he may have been it sounds like you really cared about him, so losing him is hard. It will get better, broken hearts heal and bruises fade, but it takes some time – and you are right in knowing that the bakery and the booze is not a good combo! They may distract you for a few minutes, but in the long run the pounding headaches and extra poundage are never worth it. So, resist the cream puffs and cocktails! Instead, you may want to consider some supportive counselling, so please do think about giving us a call (1-800-505-4929). Having a confidential, trained therapist all for yourself to help you work through this pain is a really healthy option. A therapist is not the same as talking to your BFF; therapists are much more able to help steer you through to calmer waters. Your bestie has your back for sure, but they aren’t always able to help you navigate the seas of change. You will love again, and you know, getting some counselling may even help you make a better mate choice next time around.

As for having to deal with seeing all of those loving couples that seem to spring out of nowhere after one breaks up like some sort of romantic flash mob (what is that about?), well, I might recommend that you consider hanging out in places that you may feel more welcomed in than repelled by. The gym is a good place, if you like the gym, and coffee shops are also a good option as they provide a very low key environment for socializing. There you can talk with people or not, but you’re still out in the world and not hiding under your covers, and that’s a good thing. Think about activities that are based on what you like, not on who you’re with. What do you like to do, and how could you welcome that back into your life? Do you love to cook? Join a cooking class! Do you love to quilt? Join a quilting class! Do you like to sail? Volunteer as a crew member for a boat full of people! I know it sounds difficult, but if you approach the break up this way you may find that you slowly start to feel happier, and eventually more like yourself. Once you begin to feel a bit better you may feel more inclined to get back on the dating horse and ride off into the sunset. But for now, slow is okay. So reach out for a little help, girlfriend, you’re not alone. The only way out of it is through it, so onward…steady as she goes.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.