Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!
My husband is leaving me. Not really a surprise as we’ve been unhappy and unsure about what to do for months, but it’s no picnic either. We don’t have enough money for him to move out and so, until our place sells, we have to live together. We have 2 great kids and the whole thing is a mess. How does one live with a man who wants to leave them? I’m not sure how to deal with this.
– Separating in the Summer

Dear Separating in the Summer,
You are not alone, my friend. The long, lazy days of family filled summer vacations can often create the final break to an already rocky situation. It’s always good to consider getting some legal advice to know your rights. EFAP can refer you to a family lawyer for a one hour legal consultation at no cost to you. And honey, many can’t afford one place in our fair town, let alone two places! What you may want to consider is to be very mindful of the conversations that you need to have with him and plan for them. Discussion of hot topics such as custody, support, etc. can be easier in small focused chunks rather than marathon discussions that tend to go sideways. Make a date, suggest a 30 minute meeting, set the egg timer, and once the 30 minutes are up end the meeting for the day and schedule another. Shorter, chunked meetings can allow for some space, and when there’s space there’s time to not let tempers lead the way.

I work with couples in this position who repeatedly rehash what went wrong, and these discussions end poorly, making everyone miserable. If the decision to separate has truly been made then I might recommend putting positive energy and time into your children rather than these kinds of conversations. I would suggest that you and your spouse plan on how you would like to parent while living under the same roof. For example, you could take turns being with your children, this way the kids get the benefit of being with each of you when you’re happier. Your spouse will still be in the home, but you will both begin to strengthen the idea of doing things with your children on your own, making it easier when he does move out.

As for where to sleep, I would suggest different beds. Sometimes this doesn’t mean separate rooms due to real estate, but making it clear that civility, not intimacy, is the new norm can help set a nice boundary for both of you. These suggestions may help you move from wife to roommate, but it isn’t easy. A range of emotions are normal, and when they come up please reach out for help and support. Separation is not easy to do, but we are here for you.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.