Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

I cheated on a long-term girlfriend, which resulted in her temporarily leaving me. We’re now back together and trying to make our relationship work, but she says I get angry too easily, making her scared of me. I’ve never hit her or anything, but I can get loud and withdraw. We really love each other and want to make it work, but I recently discovered that she has not been entirely truthful about a ski trip she went on. She travelled in the same car with a man who “likes” her and also shared a room (not a bed) with him. She told me there was a big gang of them in a hostel and it was the only place for her to sleep. She lied and told me she was going on this trip with a group of girlfriends but I discovered otherwise. She tells me nothing “happened” but she isn’t owning the fact that she lied and it’s making me very upset. I don’t think it’s fair, if I had lied like this she would have been furious. What do you think?

• Fuming about the Falsehood

Dear Fuming about the Falsehood,

As I understand it, she was heading north with a group of friends and slept in a hostel with a guy in the room and didn’t tell you. You’re mad; I get that and yes, she should have told you, but I would invite you to think about why she didn’t tell you. You’ve indicated that she’s fearful of your anger, so you need to look at that. If she doesn’t feel that she’s able to tell you the truth then you need to look at your own behaviour. It may not excuse a lie but it sure helps to understand why it occurred, and when we know the reason behind an action we can then look more successfully for resolutions.

In this situation, I would say that you both played a part in what happened. She’s angry at you because you don’t get why she lied to you, and I would wager to guess she’s also hurt as you’ve accused her of something untrue. You’re hurt as she went away with this man and you fear losing her again, but you’re also angry that she lied to you. It seems like hurt and fear are running the show for both of you. If the two of you truly love each other, and it sounds like you do, I would encourage you to try not to get lost in the symptoms of infidelity. If you both have the strength and courage to look at hurt and fear together then great things are possible. Rather than fuming about this falsehood I would encourage you to jointly use the energy towards working this out together. We have some great therapists who could help you on this one, my friend. Thanks for reaching out – that took courage and good on you for that. Give us a call, we’re here for you and we can help.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you are a VCH staff member and find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.