Dear EFAP: Hanging on
Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.
We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.
Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!
It’s hard to write to you about my feelings; man, I do not know what’s going on with me. I feel overwhelmed, I recently separated, I’m not meeting my goals and I screwed up at work big time, I have money issues and I also have way too much family responsibility – issues relating to both my kids and my estranged wife, as well as aging parents. I’ve completely lost myself and find that I’m just hanging on with my fingernails. I’m constantly feeling angry and irritable. I feel guarded and at times even suspicious. I’m creating conflict wherever I go these days, and I feel restless and agitated. I feel like I have to be in control but it’s not working – I’m out of control and cracking. I find it weak to admit to all the despair that I feel – I’ve always been the “tough guy.” I’m not suicidal but I’m drinking too much, trying to escape all of the physical and emotional pain that I’m also experiencing but it isn’t working. Recently, I received feedback that I am coming across as a bully to my team and this was a huge wake-up call that I have to do something – no one has any idea what a mess I’m in!
~ Hanging on with my Fingernails
Dear; Hanging on with my Fingernails,
It sounds like it’s been a really tough time for you, my friend, and I’m so glad that you reached out. People may be thinking that you’re a bully but if they only knew what you were managing with they could understand. Please know that we have compassion for you and we can help you get back to yourself – we understand and we have your back. Please do consider calling us for confidential support. Sometimes just reaching out on the phone is a bit less intimidating than a one-to-one meeting and it can be a great first step to feeling better. EFAP has an urgent call response line, so just know that any time, day or night, you can reach out and we can help.
Men often believe that they have to be in control of their emotions at all times, and when you feel hopeless or helpless that you might feel like you have to try to cover it up. This can lead to bottling up those feelings, and then they can leak out in negative behaviours such as drinking too much or exploding with anger. It’s normal to feel down from time to time and experience setbacks, but if intense feelings of despair take hold and interfere with your work and family and your ability to enjoy life, which you seem to be describing, you may be suffering from depression, so you might want to check in with your doctor on that. If you’re experiencing depression, please know that it isn’t a sign of weakness but rather it’s a common and treatable condition that affects millions of men (and women) of all ages and backgrounds. The first step to recovery is to understand there’s no reason to feel ashamed. Once you embrace this thinking, you can then begin to face the challenge head on and start working to feel better.
Please don’t try to tough out depression on your own – I know that it takes courage to seek help but feel reassured that if you do, you will feel better. Depression responds well to treatments such as lifestyle changes, social support, therapy, medication, or a combination of these treatments and working with your doctor and a therapist can help you arrive at the right one for you. Please know that we’re here to confidentially support you through the process, we’re just a phone call away.
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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you are a VCH staff member and find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.