Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses.  Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

Send us questions

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

I have had the hardest year imaginable, 2015 was nothing but an uphill battle for me. It all started with finding out my dad had cancer, to him passing away from it 10 days later. Then I lost my grandmother a few months later, and my cousin a week after that. As if that wasn’t bad enough, my husband’s grandmother passed away the following month, and then to top off the deaths in the family he lost his father towards the end of the year. Last year consisted of nothing but deaths and funerals for me. I was surprised that I was still standing after all this.

In between all this I changed my jobsite prior to my father passing away, and ironically it was to the cancer department. After a few months I couldn’t take it there and decided to change to another place. I did. The first few months were fine, but slowly I could feel the emotions and trauma all start to catch up with me. This caused a huge downfall in my work life. I started to call in sick more often and was very much uninterested in working. After being remanded for all my sick calls, this added to my pressure and pile of stress. I started to feel watched all the time and a little bit uneasy with everyone. I started to shut down and keep my co-workers communication to a minimum. I love working, I need to work.

My mom has moved in with me after my father passed away and she’s all I have left. My husband is only working part time since he had surgery, so money is also tight. I can’t even take a leave of absence because if I do, what is everyone going to eat and where will we stay? I have never shown any sign of weakness but I heard some people talking, thinking that I wasn’t listening, saying that if I go on stress leave then I’m being a baby and it will be like a vacation for me.

I am about to blow from all this stress, to a point where I’m getting ready to ask my husband and I to go our separate ways because I feel like I’m not getting any support from him. I know he lost his father and grandmother, but so did I. I’m an only child so my depression level is through the roof. He was my best friend and someone I called and talked to every single day of my life without fail, even if one of us was on vacation or out of town. It’s already been a year and I still start crying, randomly. I’m stressed out at work because I feel like I’m not doing my job properly, and feel like I should be overdoing certain things to prove that I’m okay (i.e. staying later and completing tasks). I already know that some people I work with don’t like me because I don’t like to follow others, I like to do my own thing and I don’t want to be involved in other peoples’ businesses and lives. I already have my plate overflowing and can’t fit anything more.

I just want to have the time to get through all this and maybe be allowed to grieve without feeling like it’s a burden to others and without feeling like an inconvenience. What should I do?

• Mountain of Problems

Dear Mountain of Problems,

Firstly, know that you’re not alone. We have your back on this one and can help you sort through your “mountain of problems.” EFAP has senior level clinicians available for appointments and urgent calls 24/7/365, so if you feel that you need help right away please give us a call at 604-872-4929. As you well know, the best way to climb a mountain is one step at a time, so let’s start with some steps that you can take.

You’ve been through a lot, I’m so very sorry for your many losses and for all of the stress and strain that you have been under. Grief is very painful, and I can hear that pain in your words. Our therapists can confidentially help you work through that grief and the associated depression that you’ve described feeling. They can help you take a look at your current relationship that you indicated you’re questioning, help you to decide what you want to do about it, and also offer wellness coaching to help you get back on track to feeling better. Additionally, legal and financial consultations are also available to you through EFAP at no cost, and as money is tight they may be something to seriously consider.

In your note to us you also mentioned overhearing some coworkers speaking about you, thinking that you couldn’t hear them, and how hard that was on you. This behaviour is gossiping and it’s hurtful, but the good news is that there are ways that it can be handled. Please consider giving the No-Bully line a call at 1-844-NO-BULLY, the associates on this line can confidentially help you to explore options on how to best to manage this gossiping.

Climbing a mountain is hard work, but what makes it worth it is the lovely vista that it promises at the top. It’s also best done with expert assistance and the proper tools, and we have that expertise and those tools. Let us help support you to get to the top see that view, you deserve it.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you are a VCH staff member and find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.