Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses.  Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

Send us questions

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

My husband has trouble with debt. He has a lot of it, and I’m scared he’s going to take us down. Recently, I opened a new bank account and didn’t tell him because I’m frightened that if I do he’ll take out all the funds I have stashed there and spend them frivolously. I know that I’m lying to him but it seems like the safer thing to do, but it’s putting me in real moral distress – help!

• Distressed by the Debt

Dear Distressed by the Debt,

The fact that these actions are putting you in moral distress shows me that you have a conscious – it’s a good thing. If you had no moral distress at all over the situation I might think that you were secretly planning to leave him, or that you had no ability to experience remorse and thus perhaps had some latent sociopathic tendencies.

I may be inferring a bit too much from what you said, but it sounds like you’ve been down this path a few times before with him and his spending habits. So, instead of being up front, your fear has driven you underground. This is likely not the best route, poorly supported underground tunnels often cave in – just sayin.’ I’m wondering who might be able to assist you in explaining your motive and with coming clean to him on this. If a trusted friend or family member can’t help you have this discussion with him, perhaps one of our neutral and confidential financial folks could. If so, give us a call at 1-800-505-4929.

You don’t have to tackle this debt dilemma on your own, we can set up an appointment with our registered not-for-profit financial advisors who specialize in debt management, and they would be able to meet with you to help you work out a strategy that both of you are comfortable with. Doing it this way would allow you to be up front and honest – onward!

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you are a VCH staff member and find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.