Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses.  Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

My teen daughter’s friend’s mom just died. She was a wonderful lady who put up a valiant fight against cancer. I feel so badly for this young person, it’s hard to navigate life without your mom. I don’t know her dad very well, but I want to do something for them and I’m just not sure what to do, any thoughts?

• Not Sure How to Help

Dear Not Sure How to Help,

I’m truly sorry for the loss that this family is going through. It’s tough to lose anyone, and to lose your Mom and wife so early in life is particularly hard, my deepest sympathies to the family.

What can you do? The best offers of help need to be specific. Asking “what can I do?” is far too overwhelming a question while a family is in deep grief. Focused offers, such as “Can I drop off a big pot of chili?” or “Can I help with some driving to or from school?” can really assist a parent who is trying to now do it all on their own. Although his wife’s death was expected, it’s still a very grave loss, so helping out with some practical things can really make a difference.

Even though you don’t know this family too well, you can still drop off a card, or gift cards to grocery stores, restaurants or maid services, or some easy to heat up meals. The trick here, though, is to drop off the gift and leave – don’t expect for them to welcome you in to talk about it. Often after a progressed illness a family is not up to telling the story over and over again. You can also encourage your daughter and a group of their friends to go over and do something with the daughter to take her mind off everything. A little distraction and joy with friends who love her can go a long way, and if the teens don’t drive yet you can play chauffeur. The Dad will be going through his own grief while also trying to help his kids through theirs. So, if you can help out with his children that would be a huge help to him.

The goal is to be a bit of a “behind the scenes angel” – you could even e-mail a bunch of Moms of your daughter’s other friends and discuss meal options, and then a few of you could take them over together. This just allows the family to be able to process their feelings without having to worry about how to get everyone fed.

What else can you do? If there’s a service, and it isn’t just for family (it will indicate this is the notice), you could attend the service with your daughter. It’s always nice for the family to see how the person who has passed touched the lives of many.

It’s lovely that you want to show them that you’re thinking about them and that you and your family care. I think whatever you do, if you do it from the heart it will be well received. It sounds like you’re already there, and I think the Mom would be very touched by your kind thoughts and actions.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you are a VCH staff member and find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.