Dear EFAP: Waiting for a phone call
Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.
We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.
Below is our response to this week’s letter:
Dear EFAP,
I met a really nice guy and we went out and had fun – just a nice evening, no hankie pankie, but a nice kiss goodnight. For the past two weeks he’s been texting me lots but no phone calls. I don’t want a texting buddy, I want a relationship. How do I get him to actually call me, and better yet, see me? Thoughts?
~ Tired of Texting
Dear Tired of Texting,
Yes an unfortunate phenomenon in this “overly reliant on our smart phones” world is that some men collect phone numbers as a way to fan their egos and keep their options open. When they want a connection they will text 5 women at the same time and never pick up the phone to have a real conversation. If you’ve historically responded to his texts eagerly and immediately, you’ve inadvertently let him know that you’re okay with this behavior. You’ve sent him the message that you’re happy to be part of his virtual harem by tactically condoning this lack of real connection.
In the words of an infamous blogger on this kind of stuff, “texting should be the icing in a relationship, not the cake.” A quick “Thinking of you. Will call later” is a lovely way to let someone know you’re on their mind during the day, but when it becomes the sole way to speak with you – not so much. It sounds like you’ve created a situation where he’s having his cake and eating it too, and you’re left with the crumbs! So, if you’re really finished with the phone foreplay, it’s time to swap this crutch for communication for the real deal.
Next time he texts and says “Hey, come over” and you want to immediately answer “Sure, be there in 20,” restrain the immediate impulse and try going for a different message, maybe something like “I turn off my cell at night, but you can call me on my landline after 9. Talk to you then!” or, “Glad to hear your day is going well. Want to make it even better? Give me a call tonight!”
If your texter does not take you up on this kind of invitation or ignores your requests for phone time, cut the dude loose. Don’t be afraid that you’re losing a potential steady boyfriend. You’re not, my friend., you’re actually freeing yourself of the burden of waiting for an indifferent dufus to show you he cares. If he really did care about you, he would want to call you, see you, and ultimately commit to you. There are much better, kinder and more loving and communicative fish in the sea. Time to go swimming!
* * *
The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you are a VCH staff member and find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.
