Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses.  Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

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We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information.  Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

How do you tactfully decline workplace events that cost money such as potluck lunches, staff off site lunches and fun evenings that occur here on a regular basis and the events that will be coming up over the Christmas in a tactful way?  It’s embarrassing to continually decline invitations and I love to mingle with my co-workers but I just can’t afford it.  I am a single mum and money is tight and I don’t want to be thought of as anti-social, but I just can’t manage it. At some point maybe they will think that I don’t want to attend and stop asking but I would prefer not to give the real reason for not going. What does one do???

• The cost of socializing

Dear The Cost of Socializing,

First, thank you for writing this, I believe that there are many, many people in your boat and that this article will help to normalize the struggle and bring this issue forward.  Second, good on you, Mum! It sounds like you’re making some great choices for your family and that they’re lucky to have you. Being a single Mum is not easy, and it sounds like you are very clear on your “why.” Reminding yourself regularly on “why” you are making these short term sacrifices will really help you to stay resolved to continue to make wise frugal decisions and in turn generate the great benefits you are reaping by staying out of debt and sticking to your budget.  This is no small feat, well done!

I do appreciate, though, that these situations are tricky to manage.  For whatever reason, money is notorious for bringing up shame issues and we often don’t want to let people know that it’s the real reason why we cannot participate in something.  I know that parking this little shame trigger at the door can be difficult, but you’re not in this alone, we have your back. Anytime you need a bit of support give us a call (604-872-4929) – we all know this feeling.

This topic is one many can relate to, so I did a little research for you. Of all the things I read, I liked what MoneysavingMom.com has to say. She suggests taking the honest route about it, but with a certain grace that I especially like. She suggests explaining the situation to your friends and coworkers, but to be gracious about it. For example, you could try something like “I’d love to come but it is just not in the budget right now.”  She stresses that comments “should not condemn the people involved for the choices that they are making,” but yet explain your story in a simple way. She also encourages that you suggest an alternative, perhaps something like, “For those of us on a tighter budget this year, could we consider a different holiday celebration? Perhaps something a little cheaper so that everyone can participate – maybe  at someone’s house, or skating  and hot chocolate together, or another less expensive alternative?”

If you’re not quite up to saying this to everyone, and I get that it’s tough, ask yourself if there’s someone you feel more comfortable with to deputize to take a more cost conscious look on workplace celebrations forward on your behalf.  This way you can disclose it to someone you feel close to and safe with and ask them to bring it forward as an issue, not attached to your name, but rather as a probable concern for many. It sounds like you’re a wise, caring woman and it might be really helpful to both yourself and many others if you could find a way to let people know of “the true cost of socializing.” It’s not just about the dollars; it’s also about the feelings of exclusion felt by those who have a little less spending money. The fact that you would like to develop a practice in your workplace that would account for this and include everyone is a truly wonderful thought.   I believe you can do it, and if need be, we are here to help. Happy (early) Holidays!

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you are a VCH staff member and find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.