Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses.  Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

We welcome your questions

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information.  Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

My boss just undermined me. She took credit for my work and she ousted me from speaking at a meeting because, as it turns out, she wanted to do it. She told me she was my biggest supporter but she seems to be my greatest adversary.  I’m not sure if this is relevant, but we’re both women.  Is this bullying?

• Bewildered by my Boss

Dear Bewildered by my Boss,

Hmm, tough situation.  I get it – so much for sisterhood.  It doesn’t sound like bullying per se, but I’m not an expert in bullying minutia. It does, however, sound like there are elements of bullying behaviour, and that you’ve been “Queen Bee’d.”  This is a term coined by ex-Wall Street CEO, Sally Krawcheck, in her book Own It.  She explains that the historical competition for women to be at the top of the corporate food chain has set up this dynamic, because in many organizations there are only so many spots at the top.  She goes on to say that the good news is that it’s no longer a “winner takes all” world, and that now there tends to be more room at the senior table, so this kind of behaviour is not seen as much anymore.  Unfortunately, though, these Queen Bees are still buzzing around some workplaces.

The workplace bullying institute has a name for woman-on-woman bullying, they call it WOW (a tad dramatic in my books).  They say that even though men are more often bullies, women tend to target other women.  In Own It, Krawcheck explains that this type of behaviour can sometimes mean the person doing it is feeling threatened by those around her.  Sadly, my friend, the fact that you are likely doing great work might be the very reason why you’re experiencing this unpleasantness. Krawcheck says that this kind of behaviour needs to be called out and confronted, face-to-face.  I understand that confronting this kind of behaviour takes a lot of courage; when experiencing bullying courage is indeed an action that is needed to take the first step.

So, what to do? Well, confidentially and anonymously debriefing your situation on the No-Bully Line (1-844-NO-BULLY) can be a safe place to start.  Here, you can talk through everything that you’re experiencing and begin to brainstorm ways to tackle it.  Discussing the matter with a Respectful Workplace HR Advisor is also a great option available to you, and they now have coaches to assist you in having these kinds of potentially difficult conversations.  Krawcheck also emphasizes the importance of thinking before you speak up – she once experienced a “bee” sting and was reorganized out of the company before she knew what to do.  So, thinking about this is important before one acts.  That Said, Krawcheck believes that this negative energy is toxic for everyone and undermines trust in teams and in the workplace, so this kind of behaviour needs to be recognized.  I appreciate that is complex, so approach it strategically and carefully, not with emotion and reactivity. Reach out for some help to move through it and keep me posted.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you are a VCH staff member and find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.