Dear EFAP: Feeling bad about my behaviour

Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses.  Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information.  Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

With the recent Pink Shirt Day festivities at VCH, it made me take look at my behaviour and I realized that there have been moments recently where I haven’t been very nice to my coworkers.  I’m not a bully, but I do think I’ve engaged in some uncivil behaviour towards my coworkers, and I feel really bad about it. The issue is that I am very stressed – I’ve had way too many personal things on my plate.  I get irritated more easily and I sometimes snap at my coworkers. It is not okay, but I’ve been through so much.  I need to understand how better to manage this stress so I don’t take it out on others at work.  I caught my partner cheating on me and kicked him out, my debt is high, and my child is acting out which has meant I have had to attend school meetings.  I haven’t told anyone what I’ve been going through,  but I’m not sure where to start on how best to deal with this because if I don’t, I actually think someone might lay a complaint against me.  Help!

~ Feeling Bad About my Behaviour

Dear Feeling Bad About My Behaviour,

Good for you for taking the time to look at your behaviour and assess that it does indeed need some tweaking – many don’t take the time to hold the mirror up to themselves. This is a great first step and bodes well for a great outcome. It sounds like you’ve been under tremendous stress, so I would suggest that you get some help.  Recognizing when you experience that adrenalin surge, which is usually followed by the uncivil reactive response you alluded to, is the first step in stopping it. There are ways to do this and EFAP offers confidential coaching and counselling to assist.

In addition to taking responsibility for your own behaviour and making a decision to change it, there are some other things that you could try.  You could consider meeting with your supervisor to let them know what’s been going on for you, and let them know that you’re getting some support – explain your desire to apologize for your behaviour.  If your leader knows that you’re accountable and also committed to making some changes this will work well in your favour.

You could also pull any coworker aside who has suffered some of your “stress wrath” and apologize for your behaviour.  What can really seal the deal here is to ask them to give you direct feedback and ask you to stop if your uncivil behaviour returns, and promise that you will take this feedback without being defensive.  Asking for feedback in the moment and making appropriate changes takes courage, so good on you for this.

Dealing with coworkers one-to-one rather than addressing a big group is also something to think about as it will allow you to have genuine person-to-person conversations about the issue at hand.  Most people will be very supportive of your apology – a few might not be ready for it, though, and you’ll have to be accepting of that.  Just because you’re ready to change doesn’t mean that they’re ready for this, and that’s understandable.  If that’s the case, apologize again, explain that you understand  their feelings , acknowledge that it may take some time but that you are hoping you can work it out, and perhaps offer to have a third party mediate a conversation to move towards resolution.

Falling on your sword like this takes courage and shows real respect to those who have experienced your disrespectful behaviour.  The only person who can orchestrate change in you is you, and it sounds like you’re on your way.  Know that you’re not alone, and that help is here for you.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you are a VCH staff member and find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.