Dear EFAP: divorced dad dilemma

Thank you to those who have written to “Dear EFAP” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses.  Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information.  Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

Dear EFAP

I have gone on some dates with an older divorced dad with a younger teen kid. The jury is still out on him. He seems to only want to get together when the teen is at her mother’s. While this is fine, I also want to get together on other nights in a reasonable way and respecting limited times knowing he has his kid. But, he doesn’t really accommodate that and its driving me crazy and it makes me want to walk away. Help!

– Divorced Dad Dilemma

Dear Divorced Dad Dilemma

Well my friend, children of divorced people will often come first over other relationships their parent may be in so tread wisely. It sounds like you are aware of this fact and that is good. Is asking for a few hours on alternate days when his teen child is with him every once in a while, unreasonable? No. According to Carole Brady (think Brady Bunch), that is just fine.

It sounds like you are interested and are willing to be flexible on date times, while he may not be as flexible. There is likely more to the story that he is not telling you, but I don’t know what that may be. And since you have only had a few dates, it would be unwise to confront him as you may come across on the bunny boiling side of the equation (think of the film Fatal Attraction). \

I suggest that you consider playing it out, going on a few more dates to figure out if you do really like him, and build more of a foundation as a couple. Then a conversation is probably a good idea. If you launch into a “heavy” talk now, when it’s too early in the relationship, you will crush whatever relationship there is or could be in future.

Once you build on your relationship more, a conversation discussing your time together would be very acceptable. This is where you can (nicely) bring up your wish to spend time together on alternate days. Hear him out and hopefully you will hear you to work things out. But if you hear words from a serial avoider-type hiding behind his child as an excuse, then I’d suggest you consider putting those boots on honey child and peacefully walking away.

*    *    *

The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you are a VCH staff member and find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.