Dear EFAP: betrayed by both of my besties

Thank you to those who have written to “Dear EFAP” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses.  Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information.  Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

Dear EFAP

My partner cheated on me with my BFF at work. I am beside myself. I want to first hurl gossip about this person around in the workplace and then I would like to hurl them somewhere else. I am clearly not in good shape. My intelligent self knows that these are not good ideas and that it would only cause myself more harm, rather than making them upset. So what should I do? I am completely gobsmacked by this.

• Betrayed by both of my besties 

Dear Betrayed by both of my besties

Oh my… This is so very tough. Betrayal by one trusted friend is one thing, but when it is by two of them who were in it together, it is exponentially more difficult. I do understand your wish to bad mouth your co-worker, but as you mentioned, you are wise to refrain. Gossip will usually come back at you rather than stand with you. Gossip is nasty and not a good choice. And hurling anyone anywhere – well, that is unlawful and another unwise choice that you have already adeptly nixed.

So what do you do?  I might suggest you consider debriefing this situation with one of our trusted counsellors either in person or on the phone. We have trusted clinical experts who can confidentially debrief the whole situation with you. When one is able to debrief and unload emotionally in a safe place, it allows you to process the matter privately. It also gives you time to work out how you want to best handle it. There are many options to consider – from apologies, to break ups, and everything else in between. These are not hasty decisions to be made. Do not just react, but create some space and safety to debrief and process what might be in your best interest.

This is not an easy one, my friend, and I get that. Remember that you are not alone in this. Please know we are here to support you through it if you so choose (1-800-505-4929).

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you are a VCH staff member and find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.